Sorry about this!!!

I dont mean to keep changing stuff up on ya, but I have a real reason to this time (more than one) that I'll put on the new protected blog. Its invite only, so if you've been reading this one & want in on it, please email me. Thanks!

Timing

So last night I dreamed about visiting my best friends family... I don't remember much of the dream other than it being unsettling. Its been at the back of my mind today, but too much to do to dwell on it...

Until her sister posted a recent article she wrote online. Very good article and I'm glad she posted it... But when she talked about her sis... I went straight back to feeling like the worst friend ever. I still wish I could go back and change those last few years, those last few weeks even... I miss her.

Ok gonna try to stop crying now & get back to cleaning.

Sorry

Sorry I really just haven't felt up to posting.

On the other blog its due to still not being able to say anything despite my MIL knowing... Now he's dragging his feet about calling his grandparents... who actually read the blog! I started to put something up on there and had to take it off when I realized how bad that would be.

On here... I have no idea. LOL Combination of things prob. Morning sickness has hit hard... Today's pretty good... but still, was rough for awhile. I have way too much to do that just isn't getting done. And we were out almost the whole past two days lol.

Besides I'm annoyed at not beign able to post on the other... I think that's the main point. I've just gone on strike until I can say something lol. I'm thinking about posting about our errands the last two days... but really... part of me just doesn't want too.

Shocked

Seriously thank you to anyone who was praying over the MIL situation...

Once again it got put off... We were gonna tell her yesterday, but my FIL suggested we wait until after we see the midwife and my hubby didn't tell me until I had already figured out that we weren't having her over....

Well he just called, said he told her at work & her reaction was "Congrats & hope you're happy"

Questions

Unfortunately I can't get into the most pressing questions on my mind right now... Those of you who know the situation know why... But lets just say the more things are falling into place the more questions I have about it. At first I felt really bad about that... but not any more. Disappointed? Yes. Naive? Yes. A bit... Confused? Definately. Worried? Yeah... Very unsure of how to handle it, but glad I'm not directly involved.

Unfortunately the worst bit of it is I think it affects a situation I posted about in the past... Upside being, hopefully that will get resolved..

Anyways... Sorry for being so vague. But this whole situation brings to mind another that's currently going on & I need some advice about.

I have a friend who recently got married. For awhile now they've been dieting (not like the crazy ones, but eating healthier) and working out like crazy. The girl is on birth control. I'm not going to go off on that lol, we've discussed it and agreeing to disagree there... but anyways... The other day she mentioned to me that quite a few people are asking if she's pregnant. She's really upset by this because she's on the pill and they aren't planning to get pg for quite awhile and she swears she's not, that she's just got a fat tummy.

Well the next day my husband brought it up to me... We're completely on the same page with this... I don't want to say anything and piss her off but it is starting to worry me. She looks pregnant. Everything else (as my husband put it) is tightening up and getting smaller, but her stomach is growing.

Maybe I've watched too many episodes of "I didn't know I was pregnant" lol.. but I'm really hoping that doesn't happen to her. Hubby said he's gonna bring it up to her husband and let them know that you dont always "miss your period" or have typical symptoms and that it can happen on the pill... I know they know that last part, but still. It worries me that she might be hiding her head in the sand on the subject. I figured she might take it better coming from him, but I'm still unsure if I should say anything or what to say if she asks me....

Back to the Good News

On an entirely diff note... mostly because I want to get my mind of shit...

I know I posted about it (shortly) yesterday... but my husband got the conversion thing at work. So insurance, raise, paid vacation & money back on our internet here we come lol.

Is extremely good news... We were extremely happy about it... are extremely happy about it.

Now if only other stuff would go away... Like morning sickness, bad memories, MIL's, etc... LOL

That's What I Get For Trying...

Warning - you know who you are... You prob don't want to read this. Feel free to skip it. Please. I honestly will feel bad if you don't lol.

Not going into detail because I dont really think it needs to be said/gone over again... but I feel like crap right now because I tried to help out a friend. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut... But no I couldn't do that and now other people who want to think about stuff less than I do are being pulled back into that whole mess and I feel horrible about that. I feel like its my fault this time even though I didn't want to bring it up... and on top of it all I know we're gonna be made out as liars if we haven't been already.

So yeah... That's what I get for caring about what happens to my friends...

THANKYOU

He got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D

And its Started

Ok, so hubby went to visit his dad yesterday... Things have calmed down on that end. He's disappointed that we didn't wait, but knows he'll love the baby and hopes its a boy. All things we knew lol.

On top of that, we had a really good talk about finances and hubby's not as freaked out as he was acting for a bit. We are still planning to cut cable, but just to make things a little easier and I'm ok with that.

Now on to the frusterating part of this post....

Remember how I said the birthing center was going to be a fight? Its already started.... and my FIL is fighting dirty. He's not going off on the no dr part of it (which I know is a big sticking point with him) or anything like that... He's going off on the financial part of it.

One of the big reasons I got my husband to go along with the idea is because it costs so much less.... Like w/out insurance we'd be paying less than we paid the hospital (not counting prenatal visits) after insurance picked up the bulk of it. So what does my FIL say? That its a luxury to give birth there and that we won't be able to miss payments like we could w/ a dr and hospital. And of course... Since it came from his dad... My husband agrees!

Thankfully he's not trying to change my mind, at least not yet... Apparently he was just as bothered by what happened in the hospital as I was and has started to understand why I didn't want to go that route the first time, let alone this one... So he's sticking w/ the plan despite agreeing w/ his dad....

So that is good news... but I'm starting to realize just what a fight this is going to be. I'm so glad my family is on board.

More Stress

I'm horrible. I know I should be cleaning up and instead I'm sitting here doing this.

Anyways...

We still have not told her. Its driving me nuts. As much as I don't want to hear whatever she has to say, I want it over with. I actually dreamed I told her last night... In the dream she asked about when I was gonna start my period (???) and how it should be soon... and I told her that I was pg. She just looked at me smugly not saying anything and then I passed out in the dream. Not the weirdest dream that night by far, but still... this one I at least know where it came from. One of my mom's being pregnant, storing baby stuff in a shed where it got bird poop on it, and going out on a trip w/ my dead best friend who was begging me to call her more... not so much.

Beyond that...

My husband has gone nuts. I'm blaming my FIL... Well, him plus crazy pg hormones, that you know fathers get too lol.

But seriously, before we started trying we sat down and talked about it. Worked everything out in our heads & figured it would be a good time. No we're not rich, but we knew it'd work out.... Then things got crazy tight & I second guessed our decision. He said no, that we'd still be ok. Since then I've gone over it all in my head a million times.. and yes it's tight but I know he was right, we will manage.

So my FIL reacts by saying "Damn it! You can't afford another kid." and all the sudden my hubby has taken it to heart. Now he's driving me crazy worrying about everything and trying to readjust our budget. In and of itself that's not a bad thing... We don't need cable. It makes sense to get rid of it... will loosen things up a bit. That's great. But he's making it sound life and death and its really stressing me out. And I don't need that right now.

Now I'm here second guessing ourselves yet again... I want to be happy about this baby (and I am) but this is putting a serious damper on it. I know part of it is just me being over emotional, but good grief...

Anyways, I need to clean if little miss will let me.

Stress

Trying not to stress out...

We told my FIL yesterday... who apparently already had an idea because my MIL guessed and made a phone call to him. We didn't expect him to be jumping over the moon about it, but wasn't expecting the "damn it" either.

On top of that he made this point of asking about when our "dr's appointment" is despite knowing that we're using a midwife and made it sound like we don't/won't know the due date until we see a dr???? (shaking head)

Anyways... most of the stress comes from us still not having officially told my MIL. We know we're gonna get reamed and as much as I know it means nothing... I'm still not looking forward to it.

On a good note though, it looks like my husband will be getting the raise and stuff (including benefits) that we've been waiting on... Seriously need prayers over it though because its' not 100% yet. Will be a huge relief when it is.

Deep Breath

Did I mention we're telling everyone this weekend? Did I mention I'm stinking nervous?

Seriously... My MIL will not take this well... Last night my hubby, BIL & I were talking about it and hearing them voice their thoughts on what she's gonna say, which happen to mirror what I think she'll say.... Did not help things any.

So far the consensus is that she's going to tell us that we're selfish and irresponsible... and that we should have an abortion and go on birth control.

Now have I mentioned what a short temper I've had lately? LOL I already told my husband that if she gets too ugly about it, I'm walking out of there... but I'm still worried. Of course we knew this was gonna be an issue, so its not like its coming out of the blue either.

Well Then

Before I get to what I was really gonna post... About the last one, I'm not really worried about it. As several people have said - I did show early last time & it is typical to show earlier in second pg's. Hubby is slightly worried because all my symptoms are happening sooner, but I just figure each pg being diff accounts for that. The twins comments get me a little bit because they run on both sides of both sides of my family lol... and at least on one side of his. I really doubt it though... Beyond that is just frusterating because I feel like I shouldn't be showing yet lol... and of course its moving up our telling people date.

Which is actually what I got on here for. Yeah, my mom has been told and the rest of the grandparents are soon to follow. There's no way we can wait... A little nervous about it, but... yeah.

Oh cute story I have to share. Last night jokingly asked the baby what to have for dinner. A second later I asked my daughter "what does your brother want for dinner?" (remember we're hoping for a boy) and she said "No!" Jokingly I asked next "Is it a sister?" and she did this big head nod & emphatically said "Yes!" - As hubby groans and said "Oh noooooooooo" LOL I loved it.

Shouldn't Have Done It...

Ok on the due in April group online several mama's are posting weekly or monthly belly pics. I didn't do them last time & had wanted to this one anyway... Now remember that I haven't lost my belly from last time and that last time I started showing way too early too... I about cried when I took this!

And we're supposed to hide it for how long?

Excersize

Pulled out my prenatal bellydancing video today... Only got about halfway through it lol. I really like it, but arms.... pain... lol. I have almost no muscles in them and can feel it more there than anything.

Support of Sorts

I'll go ahead & apologize ahead of time. I just realized that as much as ttc took over this blog, the pg will prob do twice that... But in my defense we aren't telling anyone, so other than yall and like 2 other people - noone knows & I can't mention anything on my other blog.

On top of that (and this gets to today's post too lol) I'm not sure how much support we're going to get on our decisions this time around. I know my family isn't going to say much... Thankfully. His... is another story. I already know my FIL isn't too thrilled with us wanting to have a midwife or use the birthing center. He won't stop us, or try to but still... So I can see a bit of what we're going to be up against...

Thankfully I have a cousin, who already knows, and has always been a huge source of support. She's had two homebirths, doesn't try to push her prefferences or beliefs (at least usually lol) and all that good stuff. So of course I told her right away...

Well, today she asked if we were still planning to go this route and when I said yes I hear "You do realize this means no drugs?" I answer yes and get another comment about how much it hurts. Sigh...

So not the kind of support I'm looking for lol.

(FYI if you're pregnant and you may want to skip this part)

Now, I know that she's been there. I know she did it w/ no drugs and no classes of any sort and that (in her words) it hurt like hell. She also knows that I remember the pain from Kalila... and the pain that my giving into it and getting the epidural cost (much worse). She also knows that we're leaning towards Hypnobirthing this time and that means no watching medical baby shows where everything goes wrong and hearing said horror stories about how painful it is.

I wish I could get her to read the Hypnobirthing book... I seriously wish I could. The concepts in there on pain and fear make so much sense. I could go off on a whole tangent here, but I won't lol.

Is just frusterating...

Decisions

The question of when to make our first appointment has come up a few times... and I really wasn't sure. So yesterday I sent an email to the birthing center to see what they normally do. Apparently some go in as early as 6 to 8 weeks and most between 1o and 12... I don't want to wait until 12, I just don't lol. But at 6 to 8 you're not likely to hear a heartbeat yet so I can see why a lot wait...

So we're here having to decide now when to make our appointment for. Was planning to call and ask a few questions to help decide between 8 and 10 weeks, but they're out lol. Makes sense as its about lunch time right now.

Any opinions?

Its official

Despite how it looks here, you really don't have to look hard at all to see that second line. Silly camera just doesn't want to pick it up well I suppose.

Hey

Not even gonna try to find a title today lol. Just not in the mood...

If you haven't heard yet, my husband wants me to take the second test tomorrow... Which puts me on pins & needles for one more day. But all the symptoms are still here (along w/ being late now), so... I shouldn't really worry.

If you haven't heard... Blah. That's about how I feel right now. Everytime a new post pops up on that note I end up crying agian (gotta love the hormones).

One thing, thats kinda funny (or not) about all this is that one of the things he's worried about is this pg. Months ago I was worried about maybe we shouldn't try right now and he was the one who said we needed to and that it would all be fine. He hasn't switched exactly, but now he's stressed about providing for another baby along w/ everything else... and I'm the one telling him that its gonna work out.

Of course almost noone knows about this (because we dont plan on announcing it anytime soon) and some of the comments have made us laugh because of that.

Eh...

I can't think of anything else to say... I've got too much to do anyways.

Btw... I put up comment mod because we were named at one point in one lol. I've got to keep that from happening agian lol. So don't be surprised if it takes awhile for comments to come up, they will!

Details

If you didn't see the plus sign & little chick on my chart... That's what I was showing off earlier today.

Now... it is only 10dpo and the line was faint. We can see it pretty well, but the camera just couldn't. I tried. Sorry. Here's the best shot I got though.


But anyways, because its so early I'm trying not to get too excited (failing miserably) and keeping in mind that testing early means we're more likely to know about a very early miscarriage if that happens (praying it doesn't of course) and because of that we shouldn't really celebrate till next week when we test again. The whole process of sighing w/ relief everytime the risk of it goes down lol.

I do have a good feeling though. I have from the beginning.

I couldn't wait lol

So Much...

I've been meaning to put up a post on here for days and now things to talk about are just piling up. Is what I get for not putting this on my other account (I didn't know I could hide it) where I could get to it so easily. Thinking about adding myself as another author to make up for that, but keep forgetting lol.

Anyways.. A bit of good news.

We've been getting hints from friends and family about adding to the family... some of them started really early lol. But none were immediate family... My FIL won't be upset we know, but he does hope we wait a little bit. My MIL, you already know lol. But... last sunday my husbands grandparents started hinting! Made me smile...

So far my temps look good. Shot up pretty high yesterday (like I started to think my chart would be triphasic) but today they're back to the level they were before. Not worried... Hubbies still finding little things to "prove" I am lol. Part of me wants to say I have a good feeling about it this time, but I've had that before... not last month of course lol, but before... So we'll see.

Apt complex said they were going to come spray today, had me really worried. Thankfully the guy never made it to my place. Unfortunately he did the mailboxes just before I headed over there. I got just close enough to smell the fumes and royally made me sick at my stomach. Not cool (esp if I am). The lady who is never nice to me saw me run away and thought she did something (tech I do want to run away when I see her, but not the cause this time lol) and called to make sure everything was ok and offered to let me know when it dries. I'm not chancing it though, hubby can go when he comes home.

I think there was something else, but... who knows. Oh well!

Sense of Humour

I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say that God has a sense of humour... In fact I've said it before myself... Multiple times. And the past couple days have had me thinking that all over again.

First off, I'm not going to get into the craziness that was yesterday... Its on the public/family/whatever blog. But I suppose I'm mentioning it because it does play into where my mind is right now.

But seriously.

Remember back... oh about a month ago? I was talking about what all we were going to do to improve our chances of conceiving this month... I wasn't kidding. I wasn't. This past cycle I've prayed, I've charted, I've stuck my ass in the air afterwards (oh have I not mentioned there might be some tmi in this post?), laid still, used my cup if I had to get up, and even bought cough syrup.

Just in case someone's picking this up late in the game... Cough syrup with Guaifenesin alone (aka original Robitussin or Musinex) increases fertile mucus and can help you get pregnant. Did I really need it? Eh... But doesn't hurt right?

So I start showing fertile signs and start taking the cough syrup... Right away I realize that the cold I had several months back had some lingering effects: I was still congested and just wasn't paying attention. Not good, but its finally going away... Suddenly I'm very glad I decided to go this route.

A week later, with me taking less than recommended for my intentions, I'm still showing fertile signs (at least in that area, looking at the chart other ones pointed to no) and my cough syrup is running out. So much for my plans right?

Beyond that one of my temps dropped extremely low, so my chart looks absolutely off the wall crazy.


And... because I was showing fertile for so long we ended up wearing ourselves out having sex every day! After almost a week of every day (or more) we had no energy, and couldn't even think about it. Unfortunately... I still hadn't ovulated.

Thankfully we got past that just in time lol... and my chart has a happy "best chance" at conception by that last day on the fertility planner part of the program. So we have a shot... I'm hoping...

But I had a little scare w/ that too. On day 2 of my luteal phase my temp dropped (called a fall back temp and means nothing) and scared the living daylights out of me... Plus it moved my info over to where it said "good" instead of "best" which in the end means nothing, but not what I wanted to see...

Yesterday (after the required amount of days to confirm a fall back temp, which I didn't know about yet) I got on... looked up fall back's, was very relieved & got on my chart only to find it told me on the advisory lol. From there I looked at the planner only to find my projected guess date if I did conceive...

On my birthday

So moral of my story here.. Not only does He have a sense of humour... but you have to have one when trying to conceive too lol.

Not Again...

You know, I feel bad that I sit here and talk to my mom on the phone.. hearing her cry.. and have no sympathy. That's horrible right?

But seriously... This time its that she didn't get a position because she's straight.

I've heard it too many times... Ok the straight thing is new... but usually its because she's white (errr... claims to be white), because she's a woman, because she doesn't have money, etc...

So I sat here and listened to her say "He made me feel like I don't deserve it because I like men" and I wanted to do nothing more than bang my head against a wall.

The sad thing, or one of, is that peope are discriminated against... and maybe she has been at some point, but I can't take it seriously when she brings it up.. for the 3405830423482342803th time... this month.

More Confusion

Seriously where is all this weight coming from? I gained 2 lbs in the last week! I'm not worried about it in the fact of I know its just 2 pounds and I can use it... but in a week? I can't even blame it on milk because I weighed after the baby finished nursing and I was dry...

Reunions

So today was supposed to be my 10 year HS reunion... that obviously I couldn't go to. What's funny is that not too long ago I would have cussed a blue streak if someone asked if I was going. But no... I actually wanted to go. There was really no way though, 5 hours away, husband working, family reunion next week... and to top it off it was rediculously expensive to register for it. Through in gas & a motel room... Ikes...

So family reunion next week. Looking forward to it all year. I've only missed it once... because I was out of the country and couldn't make it back in time. Husband asked off over a month in advance, did everything he needed too... and they said no. So now he's trying to switch days off w/ someone and hoping and praying someone will. So far 3 or 4 people have said no for one reason or another. He hasn't said if he's asked his mother yet... (yes she works there) I'm not sure if its because he just hasn't or he has and doesn't want to tell me her responce...

Part of me is thinking we really don't need to spend the money... but at the same time I never see my family. Most of them I won't see again until next July. Even my mother... I have no clue when she can make it down here. So its going to be awhile... I'm supposed to be helping out w/ the thing, have promised people I'd be there because we thought we were. So frusterating...

Confusing Much?

I meant to write this days ago lol.

So I'm now getting teased that I'm going to be one of those women on that show that didn't know they were pregnant. No I'm not. But things are just weird enough that my husband convinced me to take a test last week on day 14 of my cycle!

Backing up... I took a test last cycle, just before my period. Negative. Then I started. Was a bit lighter than normal, but definately there. On top of that, my temp dropped around that time and has remained low just like it should before ovulation. And... that random out of nowhere test was neg again!

So why did we test? Because he noticed that my stomach is hard like it was before, and I've gained weight. Seriously gained weight. 10 lbs out of nowhere. No complaints... I need those 10 lbs. They put me at my ideal weight... but still. Out of nowhere. Throw in the fact that despite our daughter nursing a little less, I'm making more milk (is not engorgment either) and his suggesting I test didn't sound too crazy at the time. But yeah, it said no.

Since then my temp dropped even lower... Thankfully it was normal today (mid 97's), but yesterday it was 96.91 and the day before it was 95.something. Just weird.

Oh well... We're still trying lol... So there should be another test in a little over 2 weeks. So at the very latest I'll post again then lol.

Justifications

I'm not even kidding when I say that lately I feel like I have to justify everything we do. A certain family member (who shall remain nameless despite the fact that you all know who it is I'm sure) went off on us once agian. This time because we bought the phones. Apparently we don't need cell phones. You've got to be freaking kidding me! I knew said person had issues when we got them... Is why I had the post (or at least I think I did, I meant to anyway) about how we got them as cheaply as we did... which was completely true. Did it set us back a little? Well yes... If his phone hadn't broke and mine hadn't been stolen then we wouldn't have paid anything... But it happened, we picked something smart within our budget and life went on. We're ok... Besides, things being tight right now isn't really due to that, but due to the wedding trip. Of course noones gonna go off on us going to that unless maybe the fact that "they" (one person really) wanted him to marry her instead of me. Sorry, still a bit of a sore point lol. Anyways, the trip did it... but oh well... We've tighted belts, things are great. Beyond the whole computer issue of course. But that would be that despite all else.

But yeah... I feel like I have to justify every little thing. So if you wonder why I bring up something being from a freaking gift card or only gotten on sale or yada yada.. That's why.

The whole thing is aggrivating. I love that I do little things to save us money... I really do enjoy doing it. And I like writing about these things... but I hate pointing out 50 million times that that's what I'm doing. I feel like my other blog is so focused on saving us money, when while I'll admit its a huge insentive (I hate not having spell check) its not what runs my life. And she's making me feel like it does.... and not only that, but like I'm failing at it.

I can just imagine what's going to happen when the next baby is in the picture. Look forward to fireworks on here, because I'm sure I'll have plenty to share. Btw, that was not an announcement lol.

Anyways, I'm going to get off... this wasn't even what I intended to write about... I can't remember what it was and this one just flowed out instead. Oh well. I prob needed to get that off my chest.

X y and z

Blah. Blah blah... blah blah blah.

Sorry just how I feel right now lol.

Anyways... We are finally catching up around here. Is a great feeling.

What's not a great feeling is the fact that now not only do we not have a computer but this thing is acting up more and more. Now its not letting me comment on blogs at all... because it won't let me put in my id to do so. I can't even click it over to anonymous. Ok, so its not on everyone's blogs. Some do it some don't... but if I'm not commenting that's why... until this thing decides I can do so again there's nothing that we can do about it. Aggrivating beyond belief it is.

Hubby = tons of over time this week = we will soon be back to where we were before the wedding = great news and huge relief.

Unfortunately 3/4ths of our bills were due this week lol. Gotta love it. Worse all our bill info is online so I'm still scrambling to figure out what's going on with it.

Please pray the desktop is fixed soon. Sounds like a silly request I know... but I am so nervous w/out having easy access to basically our whole lives.

Baby making in serious gear here. No really... If I get pg this month I would be due in April (around my bday lol) - later than I hoped... but my sister graduates in May. They live about 6 hours away... which I know could be worse... We could be on opposite ends of the state, or in diff states, or countries... but still. Not doable if heavily pg. So if I don't get that way this month we're going to be back to not trying for a few months and the stress over what if it happens anyway. I know its up to God either way, and if we end up having to miss it then we do... but she's my baby sister and I really want to be there. But yeah, we're down to the goofy, all but standing on my head, ttc stuff. No really I do have a line (at least now)... I'm not using egg whites, taking vit A (afraid of getting too much), buying fertility vitamins or safe lubes, standing on my head or standing under trees for birds to poo on my head. I am praying though and asking St. Gerard to pray for me as well... I pulled out my diva cup (or kept it out rather) and propping - sorry tmi there on both of those lol, and planning to get robitussin (plain) in a week or two... plus going back on my taking B6 starting today. Trying to add healthy fertility foods to diet as well. If its meant to happen it will, but I'm gonna try & help it along lol.

Yes I am laughing at myself over that last bit...

Is anyone else worried about the whole possible tax on energy? Seriously that will eat us... Part of me is sticking my head in the sand and not reading the news (easy to do for me right now lol) and part is scrambling to know and figure out what we'll do if it goes through.

A friend gave us a sling the other day... a Maya wrap I think (need to go look). Is one of the ones I was interested in at first but out of price range... She also gave us some wool diaper covers... one is so tiny! Cute...

Really thankful for that, but brings to mind some of the slings I have. 2 were given by a friend, really appreciated since my hotslings didn't fit right. Unfortunately they didn't either. Another friend got pg last year and showed interest so I said I'd send her one... but she never got back to me w/ the address and... well... hasn't gotten back with me period. I know her baby was born because it was in the paper... and I get that they're busy w/ new baby... So wasn't too worried that she didn't take calls or return them for awhile. But the last time I called her hubby answered, acted distant and said he'd give her my message and I still haven't heard. On top of that he joined facebook awhile back (note we were friends too) and refused my friend request. I have no clue what's going on w/ all of that. The last time we talked we had a really nice conversation.... I just don't get it. Sad.

Blah...

I should prob go clean the bathroom or something lol.

Ouch! Just moved... Have I mentioned that I tripped on my yoga mat yesterday? Wrenched my back and ankle... hit my knee and hand. Hand doesn't hurt anymore... and neither does my ankle really. The other two don't feel so good. Not cool. Silly baby dragging the thing everywhere lol.

Books...

Ok my title is horrible, but it'll have to work lol.

I am officially not pregnant... and still w/out my charting program. So I'm very glad I found TCOYF awhile back for $3 because it has blank charts at the back. I don't have to make my own (I can't print any out either obviously) and they're almost exactly like the online ones. I did a refresher reading on making coverlines... because lets face it, I haven't been making them... and I didn't use BBT before so I never had to anyway. Its explained very simply though so I'm not worried about that and is prob good to know I can do it. And being at the back of a big book like that... hopefully it won't get lost too easily lol.

Beyond that.. I finally picked up the adult Bible tonight. Between being exhausted and slightly out of it and picking a random OT book because I don't think I've ever read through it (Nehimiah sp?) and wanted to read one I haven't... Because when I do read the Bible.... I tend to read the same ones over and over. (You wouldn't believe how tempted I was to open it up to Tobit lol...) And starting at the beginning is rough. I think its either Leviticus or Numbers that I get lost in that way... But yeah, this one isn't much easier. Still... I'm glad I did it. Its not too long either... I still need to find a better way to figure out what to read next. But for now... This works.

Not on books of any kind anymore...

But we ended up missing Mass on Sunday. Hanging head in shame... but no hubby working overtime that morning. He really wants to do as much as possible this week so he can get ot on top of holiday pay lol. We did manage to make it to the luncheon afterwards... which was nice. And we have to go this weekend because he's directing. So the baby and I will most likely be out in the fouyer (am I sp that right?). I think I can come to terms w/ that... or am coming to terms with that. Is a good middle ground...

I forgot that a friend of ours really disapproves of us ttc lol. I mentioned it in passing when they were here the other day & the look I got was... wow. Of course her hubby cracked me up at another point because we were talking about future dream homes and how we'd like to grow veggies and have goats & chickens... I explained that w/ 3 of us going through 7 eggs at a sitting easy... it just makes more sense for us to have said chickens (he was talking about the nastiness) because we're hoping to have 6 kids and I can't even imagine how many we'll go through then. But the look on his face about the 6 kids was priceless! In a way I'm used to it, but it still makes me laugh when I get that.

Anyways, its late & I'm off...

Bleh...

I hinted at this the other day so figured I'd fill yall in.

Fathers Day... started off great. Parts of it stayed that way. I can't say most of it was, because you've already heard about the Church incident lol. But we got past that and I thought it would continue to be good.

My husband wanted to go shopping... He had some gift money and he wanted to look for something. Nothing huge, just something small for himself. While we were out, he did want to go by Best Buy and look at laptops because he does need one and we don't know if fixing ours is an option (if it costs more than a new one...) so we stopped to do that. Well they had one that is very much what he needs in one. Good price. And if you get their credit card the payments are reasonable. We talked about it... and honestly its not doable right now. He knew that. But he wanted to talk to his dad about it... which I understood.

Now I don't know exactly what was said... but he got off the phone more depressed than I have ever seen him. Making comments about how he doesn't derserve for anything good to happen to him, etc. We went straight to the groc store and only got what we needed from there, no gift for him because all the sudden those need to be used on food. Now granted a big chunk of my mothers day gift went to that little bed in the other room so I understand feeling that way... but still.

Thankfully he has pulled out of it. Until today he was still frusterated and down a little bit. Not sure how to put it, but he wasn't as bad... just not feeling great either. Today... Well, after his days off, a good dinner last night and apparently a good nights sleep... He got up, did dishes (whoo hoo I thought I was gonna have to jump in. Am gonna help out, but not near as bad as I thought) and feels a ton better. He even looked it.

Not mad at my FIL btw. I'm sure whatever he said wasn't meant the way it was taken. I was frusterated about it at the time lol... but even then knew that. Now, I don't think he completely realizes the comp situation... because he's offered us his desktop... which we have (if not completely up and running). And as much as we want it up and running, the laptop is 100 % necessary for school. Thankfully he's not taking summer courses or we'd really be in trouble. But anyways, getting off that rant. The comp situation will work out, and I'm not worried about that. Just hope its sooner than later.

What do you say?

Seriously... What do you say when someone is being incredibally dense? Not to mention pushing things a little.

I got this phone call tonight... Completely out of the blue. Great right? Better yet friend is engaged! I'm happy for him... Thrilled even. And normally I would be thrilled to hear that he wants me and my family there at the wedding...

But the wedding is in Israel.

He was nice and did aknowledge that finances being what they are that I can't do it, but that he wants me to pray about it and see if God wants me there. I have no problem with praying about it... But seriously? No, I tried to explain that its more complicated than that, and not to be surprised if we can't make it. I didn't go into the obvious arguments of the legistics of my family going there and what that would mean for us (esp if we were stupid enough to go the easy route and fly in) or the fact that my husband has some real anger issues towards this friend after what he said to us when we got engaged (I'm trying to work through mine over it... because he's been a friend so long and I know we're supposed to forgive. But lets face it that hurt and is hard). What I did mention is the whole ttc thing. Unless we just aren't meant to have a kid anytime soon, we'll either be (hopefully this one) w/ a tiny newborn at that point or pregnant and unable to make that type of travel arrangements. I didn't spell it out that specifically, but did say we're trying and that it may come in the way of our going. To which he replies something about how do I think I know better than God and how I need to just pray about the trip w/ an open mind and listen to Gods plans for me (to go to Israel apparently) instead of fleshly desires. ???

How does he know that God wants me to go there and not have another child? Granted I don't know that He does want us to have one right now... We'll know that when it happens lol. But I'm not going to close myself off to that (esp when we're ready and waiting) to go on a trip that will put us in danger. Part of me wonders what he's thinking...

And of course I would love to go to a friends wedding. I've missed so many. And I would love to see the land where Jesus was born and lived... and hopefully someday that will be possible. I doubt that will be anytime soon though...

But if it is, or if He really wants us there now... that's great. But for a wedding?

Off Kilter

I probably could have added this to the last post... but I didn't want to throw everything at you at once lol... Or write yet another huge post.

No, obviously for awhile things have been off. I've written about it before, or at least alluded to it. I haven't been interested in going to Church, which I normally love and look forward to. I haven't felt like praying. I've just been very disconnected. I'm not going to say its because of the subject of yesterday's post... but I bet it has something to do w/ it? Or (and) it could just be everything we've been hit with over the past few years. Some of it our fault (hello we knew we weren't married) and some of it not. My husband getting burned out from Church obligations certainly didn't help... nor did my dread of the cry room. My guess its its a mix of all of that with other random things thrown in. It doesn't really matter why though. At least I don't think so... We just need to fix it.

Backing up... I always loved being Catholic, but most of my family isn't... So I didn't grow up w/ many of the traditions or anything. In collage I was pushed to learn more about what I believed and why and realized there is so much out there to foster that in a family. I loved it. I even got this book of Catholic customs and traditions. I couldn't wait to have a family of my own to incorporate some (or quite a few) of those with. Until then I started a few of my own...

Only one went back to my childhood. The Advent Wreath. We'd made small ones in class one year, and I'd made sure to pull it out every year after. In college I made another one year (that fell apart lol) and then bought a nice one the next year. I love that tradition... Still do. I also did a little alter in my dorm room where I could pray... Had my Bible, rosaries and a crucifix. Around All Saints & All Souls I'd decorate it w/ pics of family members and friends who'd passed on... One year I even made the bread for Day of the Dead. I don't really remember any others, but you get the drift here.

I moved here and became Maronite... which I love. No complaints. But it turned all that upside down. For instance, try keeping an Advent Wreath when Advent is suddenly six weeks instead of four. We have completely different calendars... but because the Maronite Church is very Latinized there's not as many separate customs or traditions (there's the capital T ones... but not what I'm talking about). I've found one distinctly Maronite one... the Cedar Meal? But noone here does it... Most of the ones in my book and I've found can be used still... but like I said, it all threw me for a loop. And my husband not really being raised w/ these things (note, not saying he wasn't raised Catholic or anything... it just that they kept everything private between each individual and God kind of) it wasn't a big priority for him, or even something he's thought of.

Beyond that, we don't even pray together... I know he does, he knows I do... but still. So tie that into the baby and at first I was doing good w/ praying "with" her before bed... but over time (as things got worse) I started forgetting to or being rushed or whatever and before long we weren't. I have fixed that obviously. She even gets excited about it now... I've also started reading her childrens Bible story book to her (unfortunately is a little above her age level lol) and stuff like that. Taking baby steps I guess.

And then the other day my husband and I were talking about another religions holidays (having quite a few) and I jokingly said that we could celebrate every day if we wanted (is true.. .gotta love it) and after a few minutes mentioned that I had always wanted to do a few of them at least and stuff... and he told me to start looking into that and some family traditions that we could get started. I was shocked... I have no idea why I hadn't brought it up before... but all the sudden I'm feeling a little better about things.

Not going to say that fixes it all. It doesn't... not by far. But I'm slowly getting excited again, so that's something right?

Our plan was to go to the early Mass yesterday, which is shorter, fewer people and easier to handle. It didn't happen... Early Mass is, well, early... and we overslept. New goal of doing that next week... I hope that helps. Because if not we'll be standing the entire time in the fouyer (what happened yesterday) because cry room is not an option and I really don't enjoy my daughter yelling out boob while pulling up my shirt in front of everyone. I was mortified. However, I should have known better than attempt sitting in there since she was in a mood all day yesterday. Now that I've added that little tidbit lol, I think I'll set this to publish a couple hours earlier than planned lol.

Thoughts and Fears

This post has been floating around in my head for so long that I hope I do it justice here.

I don't know that I'm really surprised that it happened... but I really started thinking on our trip. It might have been because I hit a particularly low point on the subject or just the setting, I don't know... but Saturday morning as I was walking on the beach picking up shells (and burning to a crisp) I went from thinking about said shells to trusting in God.

At the beginning of the day I was only getting the "perfect" shells. Not long into it, it hit me that like us none are... and I went ahead and picked up a few broken shells as well because it just seemed fitting. Of course when the baby started joining in we ended up w/ a lot of those because we kept any she gave us.

I'm not sure, at all, how it linked to the trust issue... but I started thinking about how little I've been trusting Him lately. I've recently learned that I'm not as much as a paranoid mommy as I thought I was lol... We are even lax in some areas. For instance, we never shut her away as a newborn and even took her out and let people hold her just about from the beginning (if not from the beginning). I have no probs w/ people holding/touching/kissing her... She plays w/ the cats, even kisses them and if something falls on the floor... eh. Obviously it gets washed... but I don't freak out and sanitize everything. No offense to anyone who does... That's just not us.

But when I have my moments.... I really have my moments. Scared to death of SIDS. I checked on her at night constantly. I still check on her... not as often, but at least once a night. Going on car trips w/out me I worry, sometimes more than others - I'm ok right now... but a few weeks ago I was convinced my MIL would put her FF and they'd get in an accident. A. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't and B. Even if they did, I'd be upset but I'm pretty sure nothing would happen. Extreme case there, but something set me off that day... I can't remember if it was news about a baby that died or a car accident or what... No, it was Days (yes I'll admit, I have a horrid adiction to the soap... I'm bad I know), it was the day they killed off baby Grace. Put me in a mood, I went from bawling over a stupid show to worry about mine. Combine that story line continueing with a toddler drowing at the beach in a book I was reading and my fear of water taller than me... and you can imagine this trip had me a little freaked too. I actually kept myself pretty calm. You couldn't see it... Well, my husband did while we were in the water (the water was rough, I think I was partly justified here) and again at the reception when I wouldn't let her near the fence. He got mad over that, but I kept picturing her falling through the slats. I'll be honest, none of those things could have happened before the trip and I still would have reacted to that one. And in my mind, I still don't think it was safe... But he was pretty mad at me.

Anyways, you get the point... All of that was rolling in my head as I walked on the beach. I also thought about something a friend said on the subject awhile back.. and it hit me that it comes down to she trusts God w/ her kids... and I really haven't been. Even in the beginning, I was absolutely convinced we were going to miscarry... and then convinced that we did... and then convinced that we were going to... I worried the whole pg, and it just continued (and spiraled) from there.

So I decided that I need to... and that I need to really work on that. I can't say I'm not going to check on her at night, esp if I have the feeling I need to (because all mommies know sometimes you just know when somethings wrong) but still... And fortunately fixing some other things that are helping with that but that's for another post...

Experaments...

Fathers Day is tomorrow... (so this gets to come first before the other posts lol) and I wanted to do something special for my husband. First I thought of making him a card and letting the baby help. Still planning on that... Then I decided on a cake. And dinner. He wants steak and salad... Thankfully we're still fully stocked w/ meat and it is possible. The cake... I have not told him about. I want it to be a surprise.

I'm not sure how good its gonna be though. I also wanted to try and make it from whole wheat... because I need to be switching over (and am slowly doing so... is just as hard as I thought) and he said he would with me. So found a recipe and I'm trying it. We'll see. It does sound similar to my grandmothers recipe (that we love) so I'm hoping it'll work! I'll let ya know when we find out...

Catching Up

Being without a computer stinks.
I have several post ideas that I need (and that is the correct word here) to write... but it means getting on here, the wii, to do it... and that's a huge task. I can't while the baby is up... I can sit down at a computer for a few seconds no problem, but the wii is a whole different story. My phone is great for checking email and facebook... (well I can't see half of what friends post, but if you tag me or comment on my stuff I'm good lol... So I see what's important) but blogging and it don't really get along. Besides, its connected to the other blog anyway.

Beyond that... losing the comp meant losing all of my charting stuff! So you can imagine how rough that's been lol. One of my cousins brought up a good point... in that maybe it'll help me not overthink all of that and just let it happen. Which I can see. Of course this all happened after I ovulated so moot point anyway. For now I am still temping (but that's all) and recording that into my phone calendar. So when the program is put into our desktop (which was going to happen anyway) I have some info to put in and keep it up to date. I don't know if its because of all this at all or our vacation or what... but I am more laid back about it this month. I will be testing of course lol... but I'm not getting my hopes up at all. I don't really think its likely (which may be the reason) anyway.

But yeah... Several posts in mind, so hopefully I'll get to them soon.

Life

I don't know if it's a good thing that I haven't felt the need to write on here lately or not... LOL It's not that things have been perfect or anything... obviously that's not possible (although at times it feels like things are pretty close to it).

Part of it, I know, is that most of what's going on is family blog appropriate... for example I was shocked to see a sec ago that I never wrote about the truck on here... On top of that, looking back the past few posts... I was focusing on the TTC subject pretty strongly.

Which leads to one reason I probably haven't gotten on... I was pretty upset (although I tried not to be) about not being pg. Logically I know its gonna take awhile... and its early yet. And (big one here) our insurance should be kicking in this month... It looks like it will (and while we can afford a baby without it.. it is a HUGE help). So even if it happens this month or next (which I know may not be the case) that little difference could mean a lot in the end... But knowing something and feeling it are two different things.

Plus so much is going on here...

My mom came down yesterday... which was great. We don't get to see her often enough, but thankfully we're working to fix that. I won't lie and say that things are perfect between us (lol) but our relationship improved a lot when I moved away and even more after getting married. I want my daughter to get to know her (albeit from a distance... I'm not sure I'd want her around every day). I want them to have time together, etc.

We have friends getting married next week. 2 sets actually, but one of the weddings we're in, or the baby and my husband are rather... So that made the decision of which to go to for us... I'm looking forward to it, but its out of town and thanks to the trip (and another for the family reunion next month) our budget is shrinking for the summer. We discussed it earlier and decided that we're down to beef once a week, more chicken, beans, lentils, and veggie meals. Part of me is excited about that because those are the type foods that I'd like to throw in from time to time but the carnivore that is my husband protests. Plus a few of them (like lentils lol... he hates them but I worked them in because of this) happen to be on the fertility diet list! Every little bit there helps right? Not to mention I need to be as healthy as possible when it does happen...

Thankfully he is able to get a lot of overtime and that definately helps things... but the down side is we see him less. I use present tense because he had a ton of it last week... The poor baby went around asking for him over and over... but.. .when she did see him the look on her face was just precious.

We've been sick too... First the baby had an ear infection that we didn't know about. Then when we got her on meds it moved down and she had this awful cough and runny nose. Then I got both too. My ears didn't hurt, but when I cleaned them that first day of symptoms (or second I don't remember which it happened) there was a little blood... and then my husband noticed the same w/ his. Thankfully he didn't progress any further and has been fine. The second day I took benadril before bed, knocked myself out and have been doing better ever since... The baby is on the mend too... but the past day or two its made for some interesting tempers. I feel horrible afterwards but we're both (me and her) doing it.

In the midst of all this I'm so behind on housework its not even funny. As I'm looking at the pack n play full of clean clothes that need to be hung up. Seriously... full... almost over-flowing. Every time I think about doing it I get overwhelmed and do something else, anything else, to avoid it. Thankfully its' better than being behind on dishes or dirty clothes lol (I say that only because it has happened)... but still. I feel bad about it...

I've got so much I want to do... need to do... And have no desire to do half of it... I hate that feeling.

We haven't been to Church in weeks. Which helps nothing. Multiple reasons... With the baby (and me) sick, there's no way we could go this week... Last week... I don't remember, or the week before honestly... But it comes down to me letting any excuse keep us from it because I get so stressed out in the cry room and he's getting burnt out w/ everything he has to do. Is aggrivating because I remember looking forward to Sundays. I love going to Mass... and I miss it. If I'm thinking right, we have to go this weekend (I think he directs). So hoping things are better. I don't know what I can do to fix this rut we're in though. He was talking about going alone to the 8 AM last weekend (but overslept lol) to talk to the priest... maybe it'll happen this weekend.

Anyways.. this is pretty long and I've got stuff to do of course... So I'll end this here.

Yeah, No...

I won't say I'm 100% sure I'm not... but I'm spotting and cramping... so pretty safe assumption.

As bad as that is...e erything seems to be going wrong today too.

I had to finish cleaning up nuclear poo from last night (no I didn't lea e it... lol... but I left baking soda on the spot to soak up any effects from it). And I'm not exaggerating about the nuclear part... it was the colour of aged mustard (or beer mustard), one partially solid part and the rest pure goop that exploded from my naked daughter all o er the area hitting not just the carpet, but the cats scratching post and our front window.

My husband who has said he will take o er doing the dishes has not done so... but will get mad if I try to help with them. So you can imagine what my kitchen looks like...

Baby tried to help clean said kitchen.. dumped baking soda all o er the floor and then dumped the cats water dish out on top of it.

She also peed on the floor in her room... I should be used to that, but today it made me want to cry.

And the part that's getting me the worst... she broke part of the computer again earlier... as you can probably tell, I'm missing a letter. I'd tell you which one, but I can't! But if you're singing the alphabet song it comes between u and w.

As bad as that is on its own...

I did not handle it well. I yelled... put her in time out but by the time it was time to get her out I had completely lost my cool trying to fix the thing... She was screaming, I was just out of it... Not about to go get her like that. So she screams e en more... leading to me going and yelling at her again. Not cool... at all.

I finally calmed down, got her out... ga e her some milk and made dinner... and other than the peeing incident, she did really well after that. But I still feel awful about it. I know she didn't mean to break the comp... She's just a baby... and I feel like a horrible mother right now.

And of course in the middle of that is when the cramps really kicked in and I realized I was spotting..

Round 3

Good news and bad...

I got another neg... but my temp has still not gone down. There's no question that by now (day 15, the longest my luteal phase goes) it usually does. Does it mean anything? No... But still...

So now I wait and see if I start today...

Round 2

Sorry with everything else that's happened... I completely forgot to update.

I did give in and test again yesterday lol... once again it said no. A little more disappointed this time... but it was only day 12.

My temp hasn't gone down yet... not anywhere near the cover line anyway... Did go down to high 97 this morning (only a few points from 98) but its done that earlier too... and it was taken early at that. Kalila woke me up around 5 or so... Doesn't really mean anything though because in past cycles, sometimes it goes down the day or two before starting and sometimes not until I do. But at least there's still a chance.

We'll see...

Round One Down...

Day 10 dpo has come and of course impatience led to testing lol. It said no... And I'm doing a pretty good job not getting upset over it. I knew it was early, so I guess that helps... I'm not sure if I should do the recommended testing in 2 days and then again in 2 if neg still... or if I should just wait until day 14 or 15.

What's funny is that I found out a friend got a BFP yesterday! Am really happy for them... Now hopefully mine will come soon too lol.

Impatience...

Depending on how you read it, I'm either 8 or 9 dpo. I think 9, but the program is saying 8. I know why... but I don't agree. I'm going by it though because for testing purposes its best to err on the side of caution and their date is later than mine.

I wish the online version of the chart (which I have to do to save as a picture) showed the events instead of just that they exsist because cramping is a solid block from around ovulation to now. Literally every day.

I just realized that I need to put in I took my vitamins yesterday... oops!

Now reasons I'm posting are... well...

a) I'm very very impatient to test. We bought the nice online test strips that are really cheap and pick up hcg levels at 20... which means tech you can test 7 to 10 dpo. I wasn't about to at 7, but debating 10. There are downsides to that though... It could give out a false neg... so I may end up wasting several tests that way... at .85 a test, that's not too bad... but factor in the emotions with it.... and on top of that it also increases teh chance of finding out about an extremely early miscarriage. I'm not sure how I feel about knowing that for sure.

b) In putting in my old charts... I realized how erratic they are... Its to be expected while nursing... esp in the first few charts after starting up again. But I didn't realize how much so mine were until I put them in this program. Point given to ovusoft, because it wasn't so clear on HF. As you can see though.. .this chart is a little too. I'm hoping since there's a clear temp shift and all... but still. Has me a little worried.

Ok so there were only two reasons. Unless you count showing the few of you interested another view of how the program works lol. If you're wondering (and sorry tmi here) the reason I have the birthcontrol icon up is that we use it to mean there was an interuption lol. The way I figure it, may not be likely to get pg from that (esp in this cycle when its way into my infertile period) but I can just see it happening and us trying to figure out how on earth it did if we were, especially when we were TTA. Besides, the heart in a pocket just cracks me up!

Getting off of here though... gotta start dinner.

I Was Worse Than I Thought

LOL... Seriously all I can do is laugh at this.

Apparently I broke school rules many more times than I thought back in college.

Apparently... because of the no alcohol rule... I was not supposed to receive Communion! A friend was lectured (and threatened) about it after I left...

Is a good thing they didn't go after me, I would have lost it over that one!

Last on the Subject

Now that I've had time to sleep on it... and talked it over w/ a friend who knows... Well, I do feel a lot better lol. I'm still not certain how to handle it completely. But I have been given some things to think about (some I thought of on my own, and some brought to my attention).

1. It could be someone else by the same name. I'm hoping for this one. I'll know for sure soon as the picture of the message is going to be sent to me as soon as phone is charged lol... In that case it'd be a misunderstanding w/ the one friend thinking it was the other when it was not.

2. Someone could have hacked into the others account. Horrible and I don't know why someone would do that just to pull a stunt like this... but is possible.

3. Said friend did send the ugly message, but could have been referring to something other than their religion.. Some other issue said person has w/ them. I'm not sure what it would be... and since religious comments have been made to them, it'd be very easy to see why they (and I) jumped to the conclusion that the friend was meaning that even if they weren't. Still not right of course... but slightly better? Maybe? Not really... I'd still feel really badly for them and disappointed in the friend... only difference would be I wouldn't be second guessing what they think about me.

4. It was a joke. I just don't understand this one under the circumstances. But this friend has changed... so maybe so has their sense of humour. If so... not amused.

So there ya go... Maybe I'm over thinking things... I tend to do that. But as we've discussed before... I've lost (or am losing) so many friends lately for various reasons... Some I don't even understand. Seriously two friends have just dropped off the radar, won't answer phones, emails or anything. So yeah.. adding one more thing to that pile bothers me. I'm hoping we can get this sorted out... and like I said or hinted at, hoping that there's an explanation for all this. We'll see after I get that pic, have time to reflect and pray on it... and hopefully figure out how to approach it if I need to.

And as my title says, that's the last on this subject! I promise my next post will be a lot happier. Sorry about this...

Hurt & Disappointed

Disclaimer: The first part of this is not related to the title whatsoever.

I like discussing and debating things... especially certain topics. I don't have to agree w/ the person to do so (what fun would that be lol) and I don't expect them to change their view... Is nice if it happens, I won't lie abou that lol, but I don't expect it... and I never go into it with that intent or mindset. That's just me.

Something happened the other day that I thought was amusing (although if you think about it too much or examine it closely, it really isn't) and I mentioned it in passing to a friend.

Disclaimer #2: If said friend is reading this... I mean no disrespect here.. You know I love ya. And I know you were probably just as frusterated on the other end of this.

Anyways. Friend (not fried, apparently I can't type tonight) started asking questions about it... which brought up one of my favourite things to discuss... if not my absolute favourite (safe to say it is). Like I said before, I'm used to discussing this.. Having real conversations about it where we both learn something, grow from the experience and stuff... Not with this friend. So and so told friend this and that is true... so it must be... and any other view is finding loopholes. No research into it... No why do you disagree... and when I tried to explain why we don't believe that way, I get cut off w/ the loophole comment.

I swear I love ya as a friend... but I am reminded why we don't discuss things.

So I'm coming off of that... and am told to contact another friend about some fears that they'll overheat (lol). So we get to talking... I vent a little bit... knowing she'll understand. And then its her turn...

Friend #3 comes up... "friend" of mine, not hers. I use quotes for a reason... because for various reasons I don't know if the word fits anymore (unfortunately that's true for several friends lately... I hate losing friends too... so it really hurts, but that's a post... that's already been written lol). Well, let me add that the other day this friend had come up in discussion when we had a couples night. Was very random, but we were discussing how friendships had changed and whatnot, and this one was true for both me and her husband. At one point, she said she wasn't getting into her issues w/ this "friend", but that she had a real problem with her. I probably would not have heard what it was, but for her vent tonight...

Disclaimer #3: I mention it because, while its not about me... It seriously hurts me and makes me question this friendship even more.

This "friend" has been making ugly comments to her... first not wanting the couple to date, freaking out when they did... and then making a rude remark about "two people like them" marrying (insert two Catholics... his recent conversion before this was an issue w/ her). Tonight... she sends a message saying "I feel sorry for your kids" while inviting her to be her friend on a social network.

???

Igoring the fact that asking to be someone's friend and making such a snide remark... just doesn't make a lick of sense...

You just don't treat people like that! I know the Catholic thing is an issue between us... it has been for years. An ever growing one... Thankfully nothing has been said to my face, at least I think I am thankful for that... (note: I have heard comments passed along, as well as seen her responces when anything vaguely touches the sub comes up) but still... Just awful. And as bad as I know that was for my friend that got the message... because that just sucks... Its one more brick on the wall that shows how she really feels about us.

I'm sorry, but as much as I may disagree w/ someones religion... I would never treat them like that, or feel sorry for their kids, or hope they'd marry out, or rub it in their face when someone leaves their religion or... I could go on, but I'll be nice.

Point being, I give you a level of respect, I expect it back... whether I deserve it or not.

Beyond all that.. I have no idea what to say or if I should. Because I am very disappointed in this person...

Once Again

I know this is a few days past, but I hadn't really had a chance to write. Anyways, we decided that on Sunday's that my husband is directing (and not sitting w/ us) the baby and I will be in the cry room. Problem being I need more help in there than out, but still.

So Sunday he had to direct. Before Mass while they were practicing we sat out w/ the choir... and almost stayed. She was being really cute... singing along and pretending to direct. But then she took off and ran up to the alter. Threw a fit when I got her, so we went straight to the cry room.

Screaming. Crying. Fit throwing. All happened until the first group of kids (all too old to be in there, but moot point here) came in. She started playing w/ them and at that point (Mass still hadn't started mind you) I was grateful.

Then Mass started... and three more families w/ kids around her age arrived. And things went fine at first... until the food started coming out.

I'm not going to get into that whole thing again... I still think its disrespectful to do at Mass, but their kids their decision... But... Where I will comment...

1. Give your kids food at Church, fine... But do not give it to my kid seconds after you've heard me tell her she can't have any!

2. Don't argue w/ me when I tell my daughter she can't have any when she tries to steal it!

Yes, both happened with 2 of the 3 familes.

The third family knows better... They asked the first time it came up, and took my no thank you well. They haven't offered her food again (during Mass anyway) and usually try to hide it when she runs at their son. I appreciate that...

But she tried to steal kix from one kid, her mom was right there when I told her she couldn't have anything until after Mass... So she pulled out crackers, gave one to her daughter and then another to mine. I stopped her before she got it... but ends w/ cranky baby and very unhappy mommy because I shouldn't have had to do that. I know she heard me the first time.

Then the baby runs up to the front towards the other family and tries to steal cheerios... and when I say no, the grandmother starts arguing w/ me that its ok because they aren't sugary. She gets mad at me...

And THEN... her girls start playing w/ pens and paper... and of course mine wants to too... I was hoping to avoid it since she'd drawn on her face earlier, but I'm fine w/ her handing the stuff to the baby... Until she hands her a permanent marker!!!!! Who gives a 19 month old a permanant marker... at Church no less. Its not even like its at home where she could only destroy my stuff and have on play clothes. In seconds she marked up her hand and ruined her dress that she wore for the first time that day. I take the thing away from her, hand it back to the lady, and hand the baby a regular pen... to avoid a meltdown... because at this point I'm livid and don't think she should be drawing but stopping her would cause said meltdown and I knew I couldn't handle it. Pisses the lady off even more... but obviously I don't care at this point. Then after drawing a couple more minutes the baby turns and tries to draw on the wall! Not something she's done before and of course I'm not putting up w/ that... So I take the pen... Now picture that high pitched scream that only a toddler can let out.

At that point I take her outside and we have a little talk. By the time we went back in she was calmed down... pouty but calm. She sat in my lap w/ her head on my shoulder the rest of Mass. I kinda felt bad for her, but she was being overly dramatic too lol.

Cute story I skipped though... They had the FC kids process for the crowining at the beginning... and as they walked by the baby waved at each one and said "hi! hi!" - It was adorable!

One of THOSE Days

Sorry, but I need to take a few minutes and seriously vent here! It's been one of those days that I just want to pull my hair out...

First off we hardly got any sleep last night. Combination of things. The night before I went to bed around 4:30. Not something I need to be doing anymore lol. On top of that... the baby woke up twice that night and the first time was about the time my husband was supposed to get home, and I didn't have the heart to put her to bed minutes before he got here... So she ran around for about 30 minutes or so. Finally I got the message he was gonna be very late and noticed that she was rubbing her eyes... So off to bed. Then I started making bread... he came home, movie goes on... She wakes back up and he let her run around a bit. So her schedule is all off. Last night she woke up like 3 or 4 times. I got to bed way too late again... and she woke up around 7 or 7:30. Go figure.

To make that worse, she started crying... woke me up. I needed to temp before getting up so I figured less than a minute crying isn't going to hurt her. Husband pissily gets up to get her despite my muted attempts to tell him I was gonna do it.

So at this point I'm exhausted... and have a very naked baby running around. I look up and there is shit all down her leg. Runny shit. I catch her just as she sits down on the carpet. I run her into the bath... Looking frantically for where she went. Didn't see any...

Then she wants out of the bath. Then back in. Then out. Then in. At this point I tell her if she gets out, she's staying out. All hell brakes loose.

As she's throwing a huge temper tantrum I see the cat on her carseat scratching wildly. I start to shoo her off, but baby screaming distracted me.

Then I see said baby go for the now empty carseat (backing up it was in here because MIL took her the other day) and start to grab a piece of shit. Assuming it was cat's I scream "Noooooooooooooooooo!" Quickly followed by "Damnit!"

Husband flies out of the bedroom... where he'd been asleep through all this. I was expecting him to be royally pissed off... Thankfully he wasn't. He took the carseat apart and got the cover off so I could wash it.

Later he starts making fun of me for this. Good thing I love him.
After flushing the carseat contents... I'm not sure if it was cat or baby. It looked more like baby.. but I'm sure you really wanted to know that! LOL

I'll admit... at this point the diaper went back on. I'm bad I know, but I couldn't handle much more today lol. She didn't wear one all day though... and the time she wasn't wearing one... She peed. All over the floor. At least 4 different spots have needed to be cleaned today, when she hasn't been naked anywhere close to as much as normal.

I'm not really upset about that... I know logically that potty training is one step forward two back... and the fact that she's been pooing in her potty the past few days has been... well really good for how recently we've started and how young she is. And the peeing on the floor happens every day. Yesterday she got closest to the potty yet... Just beside it while telling me! But yeah, exhausted and after the mess this morning it seems much worse than it really is.

One night terror later now... of course that had to happen too... along w/ a neighbor flipping out.

Makes me wonder if I'm crazy for wanting another one right now lol. Doesn't change anything.. but still LOL

New Charting

So what'd ya think?

Good Grief

Its funny really...

When it comes to how to raise your child everyone has something to say. Including me lol. I won't lie, I pass on advice all the time... But you all know this lol. So typically it doesn't bother me. Agree, disagree, whatever... We can debate it or not... Life goes on. Hopefully everyone learns something.

But there are times...

Seriously... it's like you can't make anyone happy. Either you rely too much on things passed down from friends/family... or you rely too much on what you've read from whatever source... Despite the fact that you're pretty sure you balance everything pretty well and go w/ what works for your family.

Or better yet, everything you say gets twisted around to something that's just flat out wrong.

Or they slide in little digs about you into the mix...

Sorry... stepping off my soapbox now...

Obviously having a rough week...

Don't ya know it I'm a bad mother who forces her kid to sleep too much (not just that, but I do it to keep her busy since we have nothing else to do with her), has no family involved to give me advice... forcing me resort to "guys" on the internet who despite having studied these things extensively have no real knowledge, and has people lie in wait to jump on anyone who comments on a status message.

Oh wait... but I have plenty of things to do w/ her... and do... And I have family that's involved... even if they aren't nearby. And my friends have better things to do...

Sleeeeeeeep

I was going to post about a wasted pg test... Not a complaint.. Seriously. I'm glad I wasted this test. Long story short... between my weird chart and everything I was wondering if I should... and then after nearly passing out a friend asked if I am. I knew it was a pretty slim chance w/ having had a period... (and a neg test a week or two before that) but at that point I figured it'd be safer to check. Test said no. We continue on lol.

Anyways... was going to write a whole post on that.... But now I'm somewhere between shaking my head and wanting to pull my hair out.

If you're on my facebook list you probably understand why. Once agian... Long story short...

My SFIL and his opinions on raising babies. Specifically on sleep issues. As soon as he asked me what time I put her to bed I knew it was coming... because we've gotten into it before when he let her skip a nap at their house until she was so wound up she was bouncing off the walls and crashed in his arms.

I'm sorry but not cool. We dealt with the fall out of that for days...

Now he thinks babies need less sleep that EVERY source I can find recommends... that its common sense. I'm sorry, I just don't see it.... I mean, if she slept a different amount than on the charts and did well... I'd say great. I'm sure some kids do... But w/ her that's not the case. She sleeps somewhere in the middle of what's recommended... Is developing great. Is doing great in general. And when she doesn't... You can tell!

Sorry.. just needed to vent. I know it doesn't matter one way or the other... but his attitude gets to me sometimes. I'm glad we don't have to deal with it often lol.

What A Start

Granted I turned off my alarm this morning so the later time could affect the temp... a problem we've had a lot in the past few months. I'm really going to try and stay on top of that though!

Questions

Seriously... How to ask someone, politely and without them pushing you away, if their significant other is treating them right? =[ Ok, sad face was unintentional... the baby hit the keyboard but it works. Last time we really discussed it he definately was not... but being a teen you can't tell them... well anything.

Secondly... how to bring up the whole std issue? I know she's about to go on BC and as much as that bothers me... she knows the risks and hows and its her choice. My husband brought up charting on top of that... and she is interested in that. But as someone pointed out, she could turn that around to get pg if things go badly (same w/ BC though... she could stop it on purpose). I personally think every woman needs to know how to though so slight disagreement there lol. Still as a teen already making poor choices I see why she brought it up... but it also brought to mind does she think she can stop using condoms after they prescribe stuff? I'm hoping not, but she thinks this guy will marry her eventually. Through in the whole bi issue that's been hinted at... and I don't even know where to begin. I hate (hate hate) recommending any form of contraception... but you can still catch things and I don't know if she's considering that.

Uggh. I didnt think I'd need to deal with this before my girls got older... and as far away as that is... lol.

Apologies

Ok... Should have posted this a couple days ago...

I'm officially not pregnant. Much crying to be had... but I'm doing better. My husband immediately commented on how we'll have fun trying this next month lol. And honestly, after talking to the loan people today... I'm feeling a lot better about that.

Apparently... according to our reasonable and affordable chart on the paperwork they sent... our payment each month is going to be a whopping $5. No kidding. I'm sure most months we're going be sending more than that... but still. Granted that's not counting the one still w/ Sallie Mae, but we were paying that before (which reminds me... time to head over and pay that). So we're not as bad off as we were thinking we'd be. Now he just needs to fill out the paperwork to get our tax money back and life will be completely back to normal!

Impatience & Scaring Myself

I'll apologize if this rambles... I'm tired and slightly annoyed with myself.

I told you the test was neg. I was kind of expecting that... despite all the worries and despite getting so upset over it. Unfortunately a combo of husbands comments and my chart saying that I really shouldn't start until today or tomorrow has me still wondering. I know I shouldn't worry and I know I need to wait a week to test... but everytime I log on to my chart to add something I see the number 15 by today and tomorrow highlighted and think "What if I did test too early? I could test tomorrow..." Yes... I could. But I would also be wasting a test because you know if it's neg then I'd be testing yet again in a week... (if I haven't started by that point.. you'd think I would though) in which case I'd need a whole new test! LOL

Impatient much?

Beyond that... my bday is next week. I'm trying to make the menu as Tanzanian as possible... Monday is pretty much out (other than breakfast in a roundabout way) because we're doing leftovers and then my sweet husband is cooking me dinner. But yeah.. searching through stuff and something reminded me of Fanta Passion.

For those of you who don't know this already... I loved the stuff when I was in TZ. I wish we could get it here... I've looked for it for years. But I was at my worst... You got it... While I was pregnant last time. I couldn't think of anything else. I'd sit here for hours and search for the stuff... and I just caught myself doing that. I stopped myself (I've got too much to do) but just barely... My brain is still stuck in this never ending loop telling me I need it. Coincidence? Probably. Most likely. And I will laugh at myself when I find out I'm not... Ok, no I'll probably cry myself silly... and then I'll laugh at myself..

But damn it I need a fanta passion.... Anyone willing to fly overseas?

Still Waiting I Suppose

Ok... Sorry I didn't post this yesterday, it was a pretty rough day all around (although the time alone was nice).

I tested first thing in the morning and it was negative. I told my husband and his responce? You're still pregnant. You tested too early. Test again next week." Literally those were his words. Sigh...

So I'm trying not to worry about it. Despite being past day 14 now (well chart is saying I'm on day 14 but I think its 15 if that makes any sense) my chart seems to think I'm due to start on 16... So I figure if I'm not I'll start any day now... and yes if I don't, I'll test next week. I'll definately update though!

Counting Down

Test day is tomorrow... So as you ca imagine, I'm a bit nervous. And my husband (among others) is no help.

Sunday... one of the aunties came up and asked me if I'm pregnant. I was shocked... told my husband and when he heard who it was he got this bug-eyed look and said that she tends to know. Apparently she asked him if I was before... before we announced it.

While we were discussing that he said that I have the tummy again and that it had gone away. This makes no sense though because he's saying it came back a month ago... when there's no way I'd be that far along.

Every time anything happens that could even possibly construe me being pg... he tells me that I am. Have to pee? You're pregnant. Mmm this spaghetti is great. You're pregnant. I'm tired. You're pregnant. The cat climbs on my stomach and starts purring... You're pregnant. I'm not even kidding.

On day 13 of my luteal phase... and temp is still up when it normally starts falling about now. There was one dip, but apparently that can happen during implantation... (Don't tell him that.) It actually climbed even higher today and moved my BBT ovulation date over. I manually set the real one anyway, so it hasn't adjusted that... thankfully. But it does have me worried about when to test...

Because Friday (day 15) is a fasting day. So I'm planning to test tomorrow, when a test should give accurate results. But I know if it's negative I'm going to worry (probably needlessly) because I should't be fasting if I am... even if its' not a hard fast. His suggestion (which makes sense) is that if it's neg and I feel like I'm craving food Friday morning to go ahead and eat. It makes me glad I have two tests just in case (do the wait a week method)... but I'm still nervous about that.

On top of that, I'm worrying about it because if it's neg then from my point of view we probably should not continue to ttc just yet because of what's going on... which... uggh. yeah. Note I said me... because he wants to continue because he feels that we may need that blessing (which I understand and agree to a point... but how hard would it be for me to be pregnant right now because of that stuff?). So it feels like if I'm not when will it happen? But... if it is... how hard is that going to make things? Sorry, I'm rambling, but that's about how my brain is going w/ this right now.

Thankfully this week has gone a little quicker than I expected it too. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight lol.