Last on the Subject

Now that I've had time to sleep on it... and talked it over w/ a friend who knows... Well, I do feel a lot better lol. I'm still not certain how to handle it completely. But I have been given some things to think about (some I thought of on my own, and some brought to my attention).

1. It could be someone else by the same name. I'm hoping for this one. I'll know for sure soon as the picture of the message is going to be sent to me as soon as phone is charged lol... In that case it'd be a misunderstanding w/ the one friend thinking it was the other when it was not.

2. Someone could have hacked into the others account. Horrible and I don't know why someone would do that just to pull a stunt like this... but is possible.

3. Said friend did send the ugly message, but could have been referring to something other than their religion.. Some other issue said person has w/ them. I'm not sure what it would be... and since religious comments have been made to them, it'd be very easy to see why they (and I) jumped to the conclusion that the friend was meaning that even if they weren't. Still not right of course... but slightly better? Maybe? Not really... I'd still feel really badly for them and disappointed in the friend... only difference would be I wouldn't be second guessing what they think about me.

4. It was a joke. I just don't understand this one under the circumstances. But this friend has changed... so maybe so has their sense of humour. If so... not amused.

So there ya go... Maybe I'm over thinking things... I tend to do that. But as we've discussed before... I've lost (or am losing) so many friends lately for various reasons... Some I don't even understand. Seriously two friends have just dropped off the radar, won't answer phones, emails or anything. So yeah.. adding one more thing to that pile bothers me. I'm hoping we can get this sorted out... and like I said or hinted at, hoping that there's an explanation for all this. We'll see after I get that pic, have time to reflect and pray on it... and hopefully figure out how to approach it if I need to.

And as my title says, that's the last on this subject! I promise my next post will be a lot happier. Sorry about this...

Once Again

I know this is a few days past, but I hadn't really had a chance to write. Anyways, we decided that on Sunday's that my husband is directing (and not sitting w/ us) the baby and I will be in the cry room. Problem being I need more help in there than out, but still.

So Sunday he had to direct. Before Mass while they were practicing we sat out w/ the choir... and almost stayed. She was being really cute... singing along and pretending to direct. But then she took off and ran up to the alter. Threw a fit when I got her, so we went straight to the cry room.

Screaming. Crying. Fit throwing. All happened until the first group of kids (all too old to be in there, but moot point here) came in. She started playing w/ them and at that point (Mass still hadn't started mind you) I was grateful.

Then Mass started... and three more families w/ kids around her age arrived. And things went fine at first... until the food started coming out.

I'm not going to get into that whole thing again... I still think its disrespectful to do at Mass, but their kids their decision... But... Where I will comment...

1. Give your kids food at Church, fine... But do not give it to my kid seconds after you've heard me tell her she can't have any!

2. Don't argue w/ me when I tell my daughter she can't have any when she tries to steal it!

Yes, both happened with 2 of the 3 familes.

The third family knows better... They asked the first time it came up, and took my no thank you well. They haven't offered her food again (during Mass anyway) and usually try to hide it when she runs at their son. I appreciate that...

But she tried to steal kix from one kid, her mom was right there when I told her she couldn't have anything until after Mass... So she pulled out crackers, gave one to her daughter and then another to mine. I stopped her before she got it... but ends w/ cranky baby and very unhappy mommy because I shouldn't have had to do that. I know she heard me the first time.

Then the baby runs up to the front towards the other family and tries to steal cheerios... and when I say no, the grandmother starts arguing w/ me that its ok because they aren't sugary. She gets mad at me...

And THEN... her girls start playing w/ pens and paper... and of course mine wants to too... I was hoping to avoid it since she'd drawn on her face earlier, but I'm fine w/ her handing the stuff to the baby... Until she hands her a permanent marker!!!!! Who gives a 19 month old a permanant marker... at Church no less. Its not even like its at home where she could only destroy my stuff and have on play clothes. In seconds she marked up her hand and ruined her dress that she wore for the first time that day. I take the thing away from her, hand it back to the lady, and hand the baby a regular pen... to avoid a meltdown... because at this point I'm livid and don't think she should be drawing but stopping her would cause said meltdown and I knew I couldn't handle it. Pisses the lady off even more... but obviously I don't care at this point. Then after drawing a couple more minutes the baby turns and tries to draw on the wall! Not something she's done before and of course I'm not putting up w/ that... So I take the pen... Now picture that high pitched scream that only a toddler can let out.

At that point I take her outside and we have a little talk. By the time we went back in she was calmed down... pouty but calm. She sat in my lap w/ her head on my shoulder the rest of Mass. I kinda felt bad for her, but she was being overly dramatic too lol.

Cute story I skipped though... They had the FC kids process for the crowining at the beginning... and as they walked by the baby waved at each one and said "hi! hi!" - It was adorable!

One of THOSE Days

Sorry, but I need to take a few minutes and seriously vent here! It's been one of those days that I just want to pull my hair out...

First off we hardly got any sleep last night. Combination of things. The night before I went to bed around 4:30. Not something I need to be doing anymore lol. On top of that... the baby woke up twice that night and the first time was about the time my husband was supposed to get home, and I didn't have the heart to put her to bed minutes before he got here... So she ran around for about 30 minutes or so. Finally I got the message he was gonna be very late and noticed that she was rubbing her eyes... So off to bed. Then I started making bread... he came home, movie goes on... She wakes back up and he let her run around a bit. So her schedule is all off. Last night she woke up like 3 or 4 times. I got to bed way too late again... and she woke up around 7 or 7:30. Go figure.

To make that worse, she started crying... woke me up. I needed to temp before getting up so I figured less than a minute crying isn't going to hurt her. Husband pissily gets up to get her despite my muted attempts to tell him I was gonna do it.

So at this point I'm exhausted... and have a very naked baby running around. I look up and there is shit all down her leg. Runny shit. I catch her just as she sits down on the carpet. I run her into the bath... Looking frantically for where she went. Didn't see any...

Then she wants out of the bath. Then back in. Then out. Then in. At this point I tell her if she gets out, she's staying out. All hell brakes loose.

As she's throwing a huge temper tantrum I see the cat on her carseat scratching wildly. I start to shoo her off, but baby screaming distracted me.

Then I see said baby go for the now empty carseat (backing up it was in here because MIL took her the other day) and start to grab a piece of shit. Assuming it was cat's I scream "Noooooooooooooooooo!" Quickly followed by "Damnit!"

Husband flies out of the bedroom... where he'd been asleep through all this. I was expecting him to be royally pissed off... Thankfully he wasn't. He took the carseat apart and got the cover off so I could wash it.

Later he starts making fun of me for this. Good thing I love him.
After flushing the carseat contents... I'm not sure if it was cat or baby. It looked more like baby.. but I'm sure you really wanted to know that! LOL

I'll admit... at this point the diaper went back on. I'm bad I know, but I couldn't handle much more today lol. She didn't wear one all day though... and the time she wasn't wearing one... She peed. All over the floor. At least 4 different spots have needed to be cleaned today, when she hasn't been naked anywhere close to as much as normal.

I'm not really upset about that... I know logically that potty training is one step forward two back... and the fact that she's been pooing in her potty the past few days has been... well really good for how recently we've started and how young she is. And the peeing on the floor happens every day. Yesterday she got closest to the potty yet... Just beside it while telling me! But yeah, exhausted and after the mess this morning it seems much worse than it really is.

One night terror later now... of course that had to happen too... along w/ a neighbor flipping out.

Makes me wonder if I'm crazy for wanting another one right now lol. Doesn't change anything.. but still LOL

Good Grief

Its funny really...

When it comes to how to raise your child everyone has something to say. Including me lol. I won't lie, I pass on advice all the time... But you all know this lol. So typically it doesn't bother me. Agree, disagree, whatever... We can debate it or not... Life goes on. Hopefully everyone learns something.

But there are times...

Seriously... it's like you can't make anyone happy. Either you rely too much on things passed down from friends/family... or you rely too much on what you've read from whatever source... Despite the fact that you're pretty sure you balance everything pretty well and go w/ what works for your family.

Or better yet, everything you say gets twisted around to something that's just flat out wrong.

Or they slide in little digs about you into the mix...

Sorry... stepping off my soapbox now...

Obviously having a rough week...

Don't ya know it I'm a bad mother who forces her kid to sleep too much (not just that, but I do it to keep her busy since we have nothing else to do with her), has no family involved to give me advice... forcing me resort to "guys" on the internet who despite having studied these things extensively have no real knowledge, and has people lie in wait to jump on anyone who comments on a status message.

Oh wait... but I have plenty of things to do w/ her... and do... And I have family that's involved... even if they aren't nearby. And my friends have better things to do...

Sleeeeeeeep

I was going to post about a wasted pg test... Not a complaint.. Seriously. I'm glad I wasted this test. Long story short... between my weird chart and everything I was wondering if I should... and then after nearly passing out a friend asked if I am. I knew it was a pretty slim chance w/ having had a period... (and a neg test a week or two before that) but at that point I figured it'd be safer to check. Test said no. We continue on lol.

Anyways... was going to write a whole post on that.... But now I'm somewhere between shaking my head and wanting to pull my hair out.

If you're on my facebook list you probably understand why. Once agian... Long story short...

My SFIL and his opinions on raising babies. Specifically on sleep issues. As soon as he asked me what time I put her to bed I knew it was coming... because we've gotten into it before when he let her skip a nap at their house until she was so wound up she was bouncing off the walls and crashed in his arms.

I'm sorry but not cool. We dealt with the fall out of that for days...

Now he thinks babies need less sleep that EVERY source I can find recommends... that its common sense. I'm sorry, I just don't see it.... I mean, if she slept a different amount than on the charts and did well... I'd say great. I'm sure some kids do... But w/ her that's not the case. She sleeps somewhere in the middle of what's recommended... Is developing great. Is doing great in general. And when she doesn't... You can tell!

Sorry.. just needed to vent. I know it doesn't matter one way or the other... but his attitude gets to me sometimes. I'm glad we don't have to deal with it often lol.

Questions

Seriously... How to ask someone, politely and without them pushing you away, if their significant other is treating them right? =[ Ok, sad face was unintentional... the baby hit the keyboard but it works. Last time we really discussed it he definately was not... but being a teen you can't tell them... well anything.

Secondly... how to bring up the whole std issue? I know she's about to go on BC and as much as that bothers me... she knows the risks and hows and its her choice. My husband brought up charting on top of that... and she is interested in that. But as someone pointed out, she could turn that around to get pg if things go badly (same w/ BC though... she could stop it on purpose). I personally think every woman needs to know how to though so slight disagreement there lol. Still as a teen already making poor choices I see why she brought it up... but it also brought to mind does she think she can stop using condoms after they prescribe stuff? I'm hoping not, but she thinks this guy will marry her eventually. Through in the whole bi issue that's been hinted at... and I don't even know where to begin. I hate (hate hate) recommending any form of contraception... but you can still catch things and I don't know if she's considering that.

Uggh. I didnt think I'd need to deal with this before my girls got older... and as far away as that is... lol.

Impatience & Scaring Myself

I'll apologize if this rambles... I'm tired and slightly annoyed with myself.

I told you the test was neg. I was kind of expecting that... despite all the worries and despite getting so upset over it. Unfortunately a combo of husbands comments and my chart saying that I really shouldn't start until today or tomorrow has me still wondering. I know I shouldn't worry and I know I need to wait a week to test... but everytime I log on to my chart to add something I see the number 15 by today and tomorrow highlighted and think "What if I did test too early? I could test tomorrow..." Yes... I could. But I would also be wasting a test because you know if it's neg then I'd be testing yet again in a week... (if I haven't started by that point.. you'd think I would though) in which case I'd need a whole new test! LOL

Impatient much?

Beyond that... my bday is next week. I'm trying to make the menu as Tanzanian as possible... Monday is pretty much out (other than breakfast in a roundabout way) because we're doing leftovers and then my sweet husband is cooking me dinner. But yeah.. searching through stuff and something reminded me of Fanta Passion.

For those of you who don't know this already... I loved the stuff when I was in TZ. I wish we could get it here... I've looked for it for years. But I was at my worst... You got it... While I was pregnant last time. I couldn't think of anything else. I'd sit here for hours and search for the stuff... and I just caught myself doing that. I stopped myself (I've got too much to do) but just barely... My brain is still stuck in this never ending loop telling me I need it. Coincidence? Probably. Most likely. And I will laugh at myself when I find out I'm not... Ok, no I'll probably cry myself silly... and then I'll laugh at myself..

But damn it I need a fanta passion.... Anyone willing to fly overseas?

Counting Down

Test day is tomorrow... So as you ca imagine, I'm a bit nervous. And my husband (among others) is no help.

Sunday... one of the aunties came up and asked me if I'm pregnant. I was shocked... told my husband and when he heard who it was he got this bug-eyed look and said that she tends to know. Apparently she asked him if I was before... before we announced it.

While we were discussing that he said that I have the tummy again and that it had gone away. This makes no sense though because he's saying it came back a month ago... when there's no way I'd be that far along.

Every time anything happens that could even possibly construe me being pg... he tells me that I am. Have to pee? You're pregnant. Mmm this spaghetti is great. You're pregnant. I'm tired. You're pregnant. The cat climbs on my stomach and starts purring... You're pregnant. I'm not even kidding.

On day 13 of my luteal phase... and temp is still up when it normally starts falling about now. There was one dip, but apparently that can happen during implantation... (Don't tell him that.) It actually climbed even higher today and moved my BBT ovulation date over. I manually set the real one anyway, so it hasn't adjusted that... thankfully. But it does have me worried about when to test...

Because Friday (day 15) is a fasting day. So I'm planning to test tomorrow, when a test should give accurate results. But I know if it's negative I'm going to worry (probably needlessly) because I should't be fasting if I am... even if its' not a hard fast. His suggestion (which makes sense) is that if it's neg and I feel like I'm craving food Friday morning to go ahead and eat. It makes me glad I have two tests just in case (do the wait a week method)... but I'm still nervous about that.

On top of that, I'm worrying about it because if it's neg then from my point of view we probably should not continue to ttc just yet because of what's going on... which... uggh. yeah. Note I said me... because he wants to continue because he feels that we may need that blessing (which I understand and agree to a point... but how hard would it be for me to be pregnant right now because of that stuff?). So it feels like if I'm not when will it happen? But... if it is... how hard is that going to make things? Sorry, I'm rambling, but that's about how my brain is going w/ this right now.

Thankfully this week has gone a little quicker than I expected it too. Hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep tonight lol.

Near My Limit

I'll apologize if this makes little sense because I'm pretty out of it. The day started out great... until I checked the mail. You see, we're waiting for our tax return to hit the account. It was supposed to the other day. But today we got a thing in the mail saying that it's being taken by the government and given to some New York Education something or another. Which makes no sense considering we've never heard of this place.

One thing led to another and we find out that Sallie Mae sold off one of my loans to this place without telling us. Several problems with this... They said they did this in 07 because I'd not paid on it... well, on the website it shows that I did up until I quit my job... because I did. I talked to them afterwards and got everything put into deferment (one of them I recently had to start paying on again and have been). Last month when I paid the one that's not in deferment I saw both the others on the website as normal. When we logged on today that one loan was showing I owe $0. That was NOT like that before this month. Yet they "sold" it in 07? In addition to that... when we got on the other website, that was not the only loan listed. There was another loan (for around the same amount) listed as well... Its also listed as coming from Sallie Mae in 06... but I never took that one out! The other loan, plus the two remaining on SM equal out to what I took out for college... There's no reason for that last one! Its absolutely rediculous.

So basically we have to get a lawyer and are trying to straighten this mess out... hoping we get our money back (I know its not that much, but we needed it). I feel horrible about it because it was taken out of my husbands job... wasn't even mine. On top of that, I have to look for a job again... We get to go beg our Church for daycare because we can't really afford it... and I can't seem to find a job here... Even the babysitting job I had fell through. Getting pregnant is going back on hold - although I get to worry about that because we'd already started to try. The worst part of that is I already had my hopes up about that... I was really looking forward to being pg again... and now who knows when it will happen.

Worried.. Again

What do you do when there's a teenager in your life that thinks they know it all? Worse yet that you see making bad decisions?

I'm in this awkward situation here... I can't quite say what I'm thinking to her. Not just fear of pissing her off, but I can get in trouble w/ her parents if I do. I can't bring these things up to her parents for the same exact reason....

The last time we talked she told me a few things that were rather disturbing about the situation she's in now. Stuck me in a spot thats not so easy on my conscience (if it were my daughter I would want to know). Thankfully her mom does now... but I'm not sure if she knows the extent of it. The sex yes, but the rest of it I'm not so sure she does...

Anyways, we ended up having another talk recently where she mentioned her mom finding out.. and that she's having a trip to the dr soon... to be put on birth control. Enter fight w/ husband. I'm sorry, but no amount of her saying that they are researching them first is going to convince me that they are... (for one thing I know if her mom actually knew how they work she would not be using it either). Added to that... at her age... how responsible is she gonna be w/ it? (To the extent that term applies in this situation). I completely agree w/ him that its' the less of two evils here... I don't want her stuck w/ this guy... is why I hadnt said anything when she told me they were using condoms before... But still. There's a huge difference between condoms (few health risks vs. major religious issue) and some of the other forms (major health risks vs. major religious issue vs. moral issues in general).

Beyond that whole issue... it still doesn't address the fact that she's in a particularly bad situation wether she knows it or not. We looked at a certain networking page the other day... Where in one paragraph she goes on and on about how she wants to marry this guy and have his babies (?!?) and in the next how she doesn't kow if he cares about her and how he's broken her heart in the past but it doesn't matter because they're together now!

It all makes me want to scream. I really care about this person... But as of now all I can really do is pray for her... and trying to use another particular site to get some info across w/out looking like I am actually doing it lol. But we'll see how that goes. So far looks like it may not happen in time.

I need the sweetpea from cafemom where it's hitting its head against a brick wall...

Explination

I've been meaning to write this since my last entry... just haven't had time.

Obviously I've been frusterated w/ the whole cry room situation for awhile... but the straw that broke the camels back happened just before that post. My husband needed to be elsewhere (helping outside) and I had to deal with it alone... which is never fun. But this particular week was worse than normal.

The baby was everywhere. One family brought in Pringles for the two kids (one of which falls into the too old to be in there tech, but was understandable in this instance and I had no issue w/ that... She's very well behaved for the most part too) and they scattered crumbs all over the floor. (here I have to add in something I forgot to mention before... it never fails that my daughter will find food that's been on the floor for who knows how long that we all miss too... usually something like m&m's that she's not allowed to have in the first place) So I was not only trying to coralle the baby, but keep her away from that mess... when it was right next to us!

And then... I had to go to the restroom. Now if husband had been there it'd have been no problem. But he wasn't... and I had to take her w/ me. So we went in there... and she immediately starts trying to dig in the trash. Then starts trying to mess w/ the water heater thing under the sink. Trash again. Meanwhile I'm trying to clean up because it's that time of the month (whole reason I needed to go in there) and she hits my arm and gets blood all over my sleeve... My white sleeve!

I cleaned up as best as I could and then rolled up my sleeves, got our stuff and went outside... We sat out there for the rest of Mass... Didn't even receive Communion. Part of me felt horrible about it, but I wasn't even in the right place at that point (not to mention so not going in like that). Was just a horrible day...

Crying about the Cry Room...

Have I mentioned that I hate the cry room?

Seriously I do. I don't like to throw the word hate around loosely, but it's true. I hate the thing... and the older the baby gets the more problems I have with it.

First off, there are families in there that have absolutely no reason to be in there. Your kid is 8 years old, they are old enough to sit down and behave during Mass! It does not matter if the room is sound proof, it is not appropriate for them to go in there and talk to their other little 8 year old friends.

Now I can understand the families that are trying to teach their kids how to behave. I feel for them... I really do. Especially when my husband riles up your 5 year old twins. He also needs to learn the above mentioned lesson.

Second... (and I will apologize in advance for my language here) If I had taken food into Church when I was a kid I would have gotten my ass beat. (Actually there's no would have, I did for gum once) I'm not talking about the infants that need to nurse or are given a bottle. Obviously that's a need right there. I'm not even talking about a sippy cup of water. I'm talking about cheerios, cheetos, m&m's, pringles, goldfish, sandwiches, so on and so forth.

So many issues w/ this (obviously) that I don't even know where to start. I know toddlers are hard to keep a hold of in there, I do really... and anywhere else and I may consider resorting to bribing her that way too.

But we are supposed to be teaching our kids how to behave during Mass... Remember that whole thing about fasting for an hour before receiving Communion? How are they going to learn this when food is constantly being shoved in their faces throughout the Mass? And what about the ones old enough to receive Communion? I've seen a few of them eating too! Toddler or not, it's not going to hurt them to go an hour w/ out candy. Especially considering we always have food afterwards.

And what about those of us who don't want our children behaving that way? I have to constantly watch for people pulling out candy and pray they don't offer it to her, paying more attention to what's going on around me than why I'm really there. And if they do... then I turn into the bitch who won't let her kid have any and get dirty looks from people around me. I especially don't like when you tell my daughter that it's my fault she can't have it. And... I have to make sure that she doesn't steal any from another kid... which has happened.... and if it does again, please don't tell her that its' ok after I try to tell her no. I'm the mom... It's not ok.

Thirdly... I can't hear a blessed thing in there! Seriously I'm lucky if I hear part of one of the readings or the homily. It's a happy day if I catch all of one or better yet both. Prayers? We have prayers? A few weeks ago we got good sound coming in and my husband and I both completely lost track of where we were in Mass... thinking the prayers of the faithful were the Lords Prayer and raised our hands like idiots because it's been so long that we completely forgot the order! Not only that... but I'd honestly forgotten we had those prayers at all...

I go in.. I chase my daughter. Make sure she doesn't hit anyone or shove little 8 year old boys around. Up and down (all at incorrect times) going after her... watching for food.. watching that she doesn't climb on anything or hit on the partition that's up. I deal with at least one fit thrown if not more... Go out to receive Communion and then back to deal with everything all over again before we leave. I end up completely stressed out. I miss actually going to Mass.

Please Don't Do Something Stupid

I just talked to my mother... am kind of regretting having called (wanted to ask a question) because I know she's going to twist around what I said and I'm gonna get blasted by other family members over this... But...

Once agian she is upset over work. Anytime anything happens she blaims it on "discrimination". It's always because she's "white". Today it's so and so getting the weekend off yet again when she'd already asked for it... Granted it's possible that's the reason (unfortunately discrimination exists in all forms) but I'm sorry, I've started to doubt that excuse long ago... Everything is because of it.

I get her being upset over losing a weekend off... I really do. It's not right that she never gets one... But she's talking about going to her co-working and confronting her! Was saying that she's going to call her a brown noser to her face and stuff... I'm sorry, but that is not a good idea! She's gonna get herself fired that way. She flat out can't afford that! I just hope she calms down before she goes back in... unfortunately I have a feeling my grandmother will be called and that's just going to fuel the flames.

What Did I Do?

Seriously... It's been one of those days.

We went to the store... and the baby threw a fit... Finally we just left.

Walking back, stupid people wouldn't let me cross the street. Yes they were stupid. Anyone who sticks their car halfway out into the street in heavy traffic blocking the pedestrian crossing fits that description in my opinion.

I get home to find a voice mail... friend worried, I get online to check out her info, enough said there... but it ends in us talking on the phone...

When I washed a pan to cook dinner and burn my hand...

And then walk into a freaking wall.

Oh no... It doesn't stop there.

My SIL gets online. Ok, so we have different opinions on just about everything. That's a given. Very different parenting styles... and I'm fine with that. But we start talking about dr's appointments and vax's (since we just had them) and I mentioned that at her 12 months we would have had 4 (ugggh... I wish we could afford to space them out one at a time) but managed to avoid that since we skipped the flu vax. As you can imagine, she did the flu one and said she'd rather her daughter get it than get sick... very understandable (I won't fault anyone for that), but I explianed why I will not give it... and she took it as an attack! Made a comment about how she's done the research and everything. (I never said she didn't... didn't say she was wrong... Said this is why I won't do it)

Then goes on to how dr's are saying things are bad now, but we survived it... I'm sorry, but.... ??? Come on... That's the one argument that aggrivates me the most. Yes some lady on cafemom survived her mother strapping her in the backseat in a bucket, but are you going to do it? Stick w/ the I've done my research and would rather my child get the vax than get sick (this is me on 99.9% of them too) it's a good responce... I won't fault anyone for saying it, whether I agree or not. Anyways, I normally don't get hot over this topic... I see both sides of the fence on it...

No it just bothered me the way she said it... as if I was putting her down, when I really wasn't. (Seriously I've gone back and reread it lol...)

I just had a nice conversation w/ my neighbor though. Is funny because I explained that last part... He does the flu vax's and didn't see why she was upset either. Was nice to vent about everything though...

Wow

I thought I was going to post about my husband being a jerk... but apparently that's not happening today (although he did piss me off this morning).

I guess I'm in shock really.

A friend picked me up, as planned, to go shopping this afternoon. I told her about the pg test and everything and was explaining that I should know that it's not a good time, but am upset anyway... to which she said, something about it being in Gods time (very true) and then went back and said, "You've already had one" - and pointed to the baby - "on your time, the next will be in God's time"

What?

I told her that the baby really wasn't in our time lol... We hadn't planned it, we weren't wanting to be pg... In fact we were pretty upset about it at first... as much as I hate to remember that.. it's true. I wouldn't change a thing now of course... but still.

So I explained that and went on... and reiterated the whole it was in God's time thing (or I think she did, something)... I don't remember exactly what context I said it but I said something about there's nothing we can do anyway lol, you know if it happens it happens, and she got this quiet look as if she disagrees.

What did she think killing the baby was really an option? Because it seriously sounded as if she was saying (and I guess you had to be there because I know I'm not wording this right) that we chose to have her even though we shouldn't have (note: she loves the baby, don't get me wrong here). Or at least that it was our choice and not God's... which makes absolutely no sense...

Like I said it kinda shocked me... more than kind of shocked me. I know she loves the baby... and she never commented to me about anything like that when we found out we were pg and I'm assuming she didn't to my husband either because he would have flipped and I'd have heard about it.

Anyways, the night was great other than that lol. Well I was tired, am tired... and still have a lot to do... which is why I should get off of here.

Nope

I shouldn't be upset... I know that. Logically now is not a good time. We want my husband to be, at least, closer to being done w/ school (he grads in Dec)... Right now would be very awkward timing w/ the whole breastfeeding situation... Either the baby would wean earlier than we'd like (can happen in pg) or we'd be working on weaning just about the time the new baby came. I can just imagine how hard that would be, and it runs the risk of her becoming jealous. We could tandom for a couple months or so to help... but I don't see my husband being ok w/ that. 2 years is the absolute limit in his mind lol (a few months doesn't bother me, but I agree with him that I don't want to go on longer than that). Plus, the big one, our insurance should be kicking in soon... in a few months if all goes well (praying it does here). And we really need that before we start TTC. We could manage before... but definately not the best situation.

So why am I upset???

Oh well... My chart still doesn't make sense btw... As of today it changed again. Its a good thing I'm confident in myself w/ the CM (cervical mucus) and CP (cervical position) stuff, because otherwise I'd be pulling my hair out when I saw this:

Note: this is not normal for me... Last month it worked out perfectly... and I still like the website I use a ton better than the other I tried... and even better than using a paper chart. I was talking to another friend who uses it, and she's having similar temp issues and we're thinking it might be the weather. If we did partner temps (where my husband took his too) then we might be able to verify that... but isn't really an option lol. Part of me is just ready for this cycle to end (uggh) so I can start over lol. (Obviously if it hasn't in a couple weeks I'll retest, but my guess is that it will tomorrow lol)

Anyways, gotta go.. Lots to do... and besides, I should be back later to vent on a whole different subject lol

So Confused

Grrr... I hate my chart this cycle!!! Sorry, may be TMI

For awhile it was going along great other than the fact that we had a couple of oops moments when we knew we shouldn't. CM showing fertile and cervix being open, I really think I ovulated then.. It makes sense... (which brings up a whole different subject of me on pins and needles until I can test) and the chart agreed.

But then a few days ago the stupid Ovulite showed ferns and complely screwed things up. Becuase my "ferning date" was on the 18th, it put my overall date on the 10th. This makes no sense, because I know the CM method should trump all. On top of the last two cycles ferning has not lined up w/ my ovulation at all... So I figured this is just from wacky nursing hormones and manually changed the ovulation date on my chart. I saved it at that point, so here you can see my ovulation date outlined in blue to show that I set it myself. Because temps were so wacky and not set there's all that purple all over the place and looks as if I still hadn't yet though...

Well today... My temp shot up... it has to stay up there 3 days to set a BBT date, so that's not on there yet... but it's changed my shading and making me question myself... esp since last month I ovulated only a few days (almost a week though I think) before this. But... my cervix is closed... My CM is showing infertile... If it wasn't so obvious I'd say maybe I just thought I was earlier, but no.

I'm still gonna test as planned on Sat.. and we'll see what my chart does in the meantime. Frusterated though because normally it's not this stupid. Sorry just needed to get that out...

Random Nonsense

Keep your fingers crossed... It looks like I'm back on board for watching the baby starting in a couple weeks or so!

It looks like today the baby will be staying w/ a sitter (non family although she practically is anyway) for the first time. One of my in-laws passed away this week and the Rosary is tonight... There's no way the little one could sit through that so we don't really have a choice. I trust the friend we're leaving her with... but still... nervous about the whole thing lol.

I keep having really random and not so great dreams. One is a recurring one... I've had different versions of it for years. Basically, it's back to friend a... I keep dreaming that she's being really mean and well... bitchy.. about something or another. It's completely not like her. And it really bothers me when I have them. On top of that I dreamed that my husband and I were fighting a couple nights ago and last night I dreamed that he was trying to kill me w/ a bread knife! Of course that was just before we were in a boat in Africa w/ poachers... so I guess I forgave him despite the fact that I'd just kicked him out and told him I hated him :-(

Aww.. The baby is looking at a book about body parts (upside down of course)... and pointing out hers and then to the book!

Last night I got so frusterated w/ my husband (reason why I had the dream?). I was watching a show on TLC and he kept making really mean/aggrivating comments... It's not like he was really even watching it either (I didn't force him too, he was in the other room playing WOW). I know he likes to make stupid comments about shows he doesn't like... I usually just ignore him, but I snapped this time. I was trying to listen and he completely drowned out part of it... and it was talking about water birth info! Granted it's history isn't anything I need to know, but still. You know if it's just some stupid show like Strong Medicine (I'll admit it.. I like the show even though some of the stuff in it aggrivates me as much as it does him lol) or the show about the Duggars... but it wasn't. Worse, he was picking apart one comment made taken completely out of context because he wasn't listening to the whole thing. One of those moments where I just want to smack him upside the head..

Sorry vent over.

Hmmm... Can I stretch nap time another half hour? We used to do it at 11 and lately it's been 10:30 because she's waking up earlier. I'd really like to get it back to 11.

I've got stuff to do so I should get off of here...

WTF

Good grief!!!!!!

Ok so after the baby was born I hoped to get down to 135 and stay there.... or at least around there. I didn't worry too much when I hit 130 (although I did a bit)... or even when I slipped another couple of pounds from there. As I got closer (and closer) to 120 I did though... I need to be at least that and once again saw that slipping by. I knew I was going to once again have a hard time staying in a healthy weight range (for my height and build I should be between 120 and 130 I believe... 2o is the lowest though for sure).

So yesterday, after months of bouncing around that number, I was talking on the phone about healthy weight and decided that I should weigh myself and did... with my phone mind you (so sub a bit from this...) and it said 115!!!! Noooooooooooooo....

And yet... my pre-pregnancy jeans still don't fit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How is that even right? I'm a pound more (with the phone lol) than I was when I went to my first prenatal visit, but I can't wear the jeans that fit me for at least a month after that. WTH?

I wouldn't care so much but grabbed one pair this morning (accidentally) thinking they were the similar ones I bought after giving birth (I really liked them lol) and got stuck. Then a few min ago I started to get dressed to go out (MIL's bday) and wanted to wear my boots so decided to attempt my Wranglers... I got in but button won't go anywhere near the other... it's like there's the magnates on each end that repell each other. Stupid jeans.

I've got to get ready now though... grrrrr

About to Pull My Hair Out

You know my husband does something really sweet like letting me have some time alone to go get my mom a low cholesterol cookbook that she needs...and then he turns around and aggrivates me in the same day!

I asked him to wash one little casserole dish so I can start dinner tonight... just one. But no he plays on the comp until it's time to head to a friends house and as he's leaving... he starts going on about how he gets to have their cooking and how good it is and how it's always special occasion food. To make it worse we picked tonights meal because we haven't had it in a long time & it's a favourite of his!!!!