Numb

Is about how I feel right now.

Husband called the unheard of company earlier... Everything is straight on their end now. One of those loans showed online really is non-existant, even in their paperwork. The other was sold to them by Sallie Mae w/out our knowledge... not their fault. They were given a faulty address... also not their fault. They were very nice about it and set up a payment plan and gave him the info to fill out the proper forms to get our tax money back from the government.

Now. Sallie Mae is being called by me tomorrow. Because as I mentioned I was not told... and... They sold it in 07. My last payment was in 07. Forgetting the fact that I set it up that those loans would be in deferment and not due anytime soon... it was not a year between my last payment and when they sold it. Illegal much?

So yeah... That's what's going on with that.

Beyond that...

We're adjusting our budget. Organic foods are out other than milk and the baby's apples. I'm back to white eggs (blech but I'll survive). Absolutely no eating out (we were doing better w/ that, but not great). Cokes are out (possibly down to cans, depends on price). Looking for cheap recipes... A good deal of mine fit, but still. Husband wants to do lots of hamburger helpers... but as cheap as that is (ignoring the health aspect) they really aren't as cheap as he thinks.

I'm not having to go out and get a job immediately... but he wants me to put in an app with the archdiocese. Which is fine... as much as I don't want to leave my child, teaching (or subbing) is much better than some of the other jobs I could get. I did pick up an app at a nearby bookstore though. We'll see what happens with that.

Obviously baby is back on hold... (which, while I know its wrong, has me feeling like I lost one) but since we'd already started trying... I have about ten days before I test. Job is obviously out if I am (his words there) and I have no idea what we'll do. And if I'm not I know I'm going to be pretty out of it for awhile. As it is... I keep reading women talking about finding out they are and stuff on cafemom and.... well obviously I congratulate them but its a good thing its online because like I said... I'm numb.

I dropped out of the SAHM group. Something I should have done before. Its full of drama and clogs up my pages of posts... I end up missing good ones w/ info from other groups. I've thought about it before and finally did it. Was so easy to get caught up in the drama and let things go. I can't do that...

Anyways... I should get to work. I think the cabinet should be dry by now. Need to check it.

Near My Limit

I'll apologize if this makes little sense because I'm pretty out of it. The day started out great... until I checked the mail. You see, we're waiting for our tax return to hit the account. It was supposed to the other day. But today we got a thing in the mail saying that it's being taken by the government and given to some New York Education something or another. Which makes no sense considering we've never heard of this place.

One thing led to another and we find out that Sallie Mae sold off one of my loans to this place without telling us. Several problems with this... They said they did this in 07 because I'd not paid on it... well, on the website it shows that I did up until I quit my job... because I did. I talked to them afterwards and got everything put into deferment (one of them I recently had to start paying on again and have been). Last month when I paid the one that's not in deferment I saw both the others on the website as normal. When we logged on today that one loan was showing I owe $0. That was NOT like that before this month. Yet they "sold" it in 07? In addition to that... when we got on the other website, that was not the only loan listed. There was another loan (for around the same amount) listed as well... Its also listed as coming from Sallie Mae in 06... but I never took that one out! The other loan, plus the two remaining on SM equal out to what I took out for college... There's no reason for that last one! Its absolutely rediculous.

So basically we have to get a lawyer and are trying to straighten this mess out... hoping we get our money back (I know its not that much, but we needed it). I feel horrible about it because it was taken out of my husbands job... wasn't even mine. On top of that, I have to look for a job again... We get to go beg our Church for daycare because we can't really afford it... and I can't seem to find a job here... Even the babysitting job I had fell through. Getting pregnant is going back on hold - although I get to worry about that because we'd already started to try. The worst part of that is I already had my hopes up about that... I was really looking forward to being pg again... and now who knows when it will happen.

Apparently I Don't Know...

My own religion...

According to a couple of people on Cafemom - those of us Christians who don't support the state of Israel are not really Christian. It makes me feel bad really... all those Christians who live there and are tortured and demeaned by the government for being Palestinian... don't have a right to their own religion?

And from there, in writing this, I have gone from being really offended by this womans statement to really sad...

I Can't Help It...

I'm excited... very much so.

My husband walked in and somewhat randomly said that he wants to start ttc. We ended up talking about it, and we decided to start trying next month... Not super actively or anything, just see what happens... Still... :-D

Obviously excited because I've had baby fever for how long now lol... but also just because we had a really good talk about it and finances and everything. We even talked about our daughter and how we think she'll do and how to handle that and all. It was nice.

Plus... I don't have to worry about making a mistake on the charting anymore... I was putting a lot of pressure on myself because we needed to wait and I didn't want to and was afraid I'd subconsciously make a mistake or something.. I don't know, just a huge relief to know that is past. Not going to stop charting though because I want to have that info for the midwife whenever that time comes.

Of course, we're not telling everyone about all this just yet... (which is funny considering I'm posting this, but I know yall won't tell and our families don't have this address) Not that everyone would be opposed, because we are getting a lot of when are you going to's... but still.

Anyways, I just needed to get all that off my chest lol. :-D

Silly Me

Seriously... If you've read the last entry here you know which topic I was hoping would win... and thanks to several of my newly married friends being interested in the topic (I really hadn't thought of that) it did.

But now I'm wishing organic had... or at least gotten enough votes to be my next post. I'm prob going to pre-write it while its in my head... good middle ground you think?

Worried.. Again

What do you do when there's a teenager in your life that thinks they know it all? Worse yet that you see making bad decisions?

I'm in this awkward situation here... I can't quite say what I'm thinking to her. Not just fear of pissing her off, but I can get in trouble w/ her parents if I do. I can't bring these things up to her parents for the same exact reason....

The last time we talked she told me a few things that were rather disturbing about the situation she's in now. Stuck me in a spot thats not so easy on my conscience (if it were my daughter I would want to know). Thankfully her mom does now... but I'm not sure if she knows the extent of it. The sex yes, but the rest of it I'm not so sure she does...

Anyways, we ended up having another talk recently where she mentioned her mom finding out.. and that she's having a trip to the dr soon... to be put on birth control. Enter fight w/ husband. I'm sorry, but no amount of her saying that they are researching them first is going to convince me that they are... (for one thing I know if her mom actually knew how they work she would not be using it either). Added to that... at her age... how responsible is she gonna be w/ it? (To the extent that term applies in this situation). I completely agree w/ him that its' the less of two evils here... I don't want her stuck w/ this guy... is why I hadnt said anything when she told me they were using condoms before... But still. There's a huge difference between condoms (few health risks vs. major religious issue) and some of the other forms (major health risks vs. major religious issue vs. moral issues in general).

Beyond that whole issue... it still doesn't address the fact that she's in a particularly bad situation wether she knows it or not. We looked at a certain networking page the other day... Where in one paragraph she goes on and on about how she wants to marry this guy and have his babies (?!?) and in the next how she doesn't kow if he cares about her and how he's broken her heart in the past but it doesn't matter because they're together now!

It all makes me want to scream. I really care about this person... But as of now all I can really do is pray for her... and trying to use another particular site to get some info across w/out looking like I am actually doing it lol. But we'll see how that goes. So far looks like it may not happen in time.

I need the sweetpea from cafemom where it's hitting its head against a brick wall...

Hmmm

Looking back over previous posts I've started to think.

I sounded really judgemental in that Cry Room post didn't I? And probably in my (even more recent lol) comments. I really don't mean to. I'm opinionated... (and stubborn too) there's no way around that lol... but I'm usually not so harsh about it.

I think part of what's coming out (besides the above mentioned issue) is that I am beyond stressed, and a good chunk of it (but not all) is about the whole cry room issue.

I know I need to deal with it... Most likely I'm going to be stuck in there for quite awhile. Maybe our next baby will be calm enough to take into the pews early though lol.

Explination

I've been meaning to write this since my last entry... just haven't had time.

Obviously I've been frusterated w/ the whole cry room situation for awhile... but the straw that broke the camels back happened just before that post. My husband needed to be elsewhere (helping outside) and I had to deal with it alone... which is never fun. But this particular week was worse than normal.

The baby was everywhere. One family brought in Pringles for the two kids (one of which falls into the too old to be in there tech, but was understandable in this instance and I had no issue w/ that... She's very well behaved for the most part too) and they scattered crumbs all over the floor. (here I have to add in something I forgot to mention before... it never fails that my daughter will find food that's been on the floor for who knows how long that we all miss too... usually something like m&m's that she's not allowed to have in the first place) So I was not only trying to coralle the baby, but keep her away from that mess... when it was right next to us!

And then... I had to go to the restroom. Now if husband had been there it'd have been no problem. But he wasn't... and I had to take her w/ me. So we went in there... and she immediately starts trying to dig in the trash. Then starts trying to mess w/ the water heater thing under the sink. Trash again. Meanwhile I'm trying to clean up because it's that time of the month (whole reason I needed to go in there) and she hits my arm and gets blood all over my sleeve... My white sleeve!

I cleaned up as best as I could and then rolled up my sleeves, got our stuff and went outside... We sat out there for the rest of Mass... Didn't even receive Communion. Part of me felt horrible about it, but I wasn't even in the right place at that point (not to mention so not going in like that). Was just a horrible day...

Crying about the Cry Room...

Have I mentioned that I hate the cry room?

Seriously I do. I don't like to throw the word hate around loosely, but it's true. I hate the thing... and the older the baby gets the more problems I have with it.

First off, there are families in there that have absolutely no reason to be in there. Your kid is 8 years old, they are old enough to sit down and behave during Mass! It does not matter if the room is sound proof, it is not appropriate for them to go in there and talk to their other little 8 year old friends.

Now I can understand the families that are trying to teach their kids how to behave. I feel for them... I really do. Especially when my husband riles up your 5 year old twins. He also needs to learn the above mentioned lesson.

Second... (and I will apologize in advance for my language here) If I had taken food into Church when I was a kid I would have gotten my ass beat. (Actually there's no would have, I did for gum once) I'm not talking about the infants that need to nurse or are given a bottle. Obviously that's a need right there. I'm not even talking about a sippy cup of water. I'm talking about cheerios, cheetos, m&m's, pringles, goldfish, sandwiches, so on and so forth.

So many issues w/ this (obviously) that I don't even know where to start. I know toddlers are hard to keep a hold of in there, I do really... and anywhere else and I may consider resorting to bribing her that way too.

But we are supposed to be teaching our kids how to behave during Mass... Remember that whole thing about fasting for an hour before receiving Communion? How are they going to learn this when food is constantly being shoved in their faces throughout the Mass? And what about the ones old enough to receive Communion? I've seen a few of them eating too! Toddler or not, it's not going to hurt them to go an hour w/ out candy. Especially considering we always have food afterwards.

And what about those of us who don't want our children behaving that way? I have to constantly watch for people pulling out candy and pray they don't offer it to her, paying more attention to what's going on around me than why I'm really there. And if they do... then I turn into the bitch who won't let her kid have any and get dirty looks from people around me. I especially don't like when you tell my daughter that it's my fault she can't have it. And... I have to make sure that she doesn't steal any from another kid... which has happened.... and if it does again, please don't tell her that its' ok after I try to tell her no. I'm the mom... It's not ok.

Thirdly... I can't hear a blessed thing in there! Seriously I'm lucky if I hear part of one of the readings or the homily. It's a happy day if I catch all of one or better yet both. Prayers? We have prayers? A few weeks ago we got good sound coming in and my husband and I both completely lost track of where we were in Mass... thinking the prayers of the faithful were the Lords Prayer and raised our hands like idiots because it's been so long that we completely forgot the order! Not only that... but I'd honestly forgotten we had those prayers at all...

I go in.. I chase my daughter. Make sure she doesn't hit anyone or shove little 8 year old boys around. Up and down (all at incorrect times) going after her... watching for food.. watching that she doesn't climb on anything or hit on the partition that's up. I deal with at least one fit thrown if not more... Go out to receive Communion and then back to deal with everything all over again before we leave. I end up completely stressed out. I miss actually going to Mass.

Stress

My husband is stressed...

So as you can imagine I have been too. Esp when his stress comes out in really odd ways that ends up w/ me confused or worse us fighting. That's what happened last weekend... or the one before. I don't really remember now honestly. The last few weeks have been a blur lol.

Anyways. Everyone knows I'm really looking to getting pg again... and he is too. We've talked about it quite a bit. Unfortunately now is not the best time (doable, but still not the best) so we're trying to hold off a little longer.. and set a date to start trying... is still a ways away, but is comforting to have an idea right? But we know that ultimately it is not up to us...

This isn't a random subject change btw...

So the other day... whenever it was. I was talking to him about a friend saying that we need to hurry up and get pg so we can be together... (had just found out she was) I was laughing over it and shared it w/ him. And he completely flipped out on me... said not only no (which obviously we're not moving up our date anyway) but that we can't have sex for the next 9 months... afterwards calmed down and said that wouldn't work lol. But the fact that he was so against it to bring up completely abstaining... not to mention moving the date w/ out even discussing it... hurt a little.

So I got upset. We ended up talking about it... and got into a huge fight where he told me that I'm jealous of my friend! Now have I mentioned that I have 8 other friends that are pg right now? Wasn't jealous of them... but this one gets pg (before they wanted to mind you) and all the sudden I'm jealous? So that ticked me off...

We talked again and he apologized for it.. and I did too. I know he's stressed out and has a lot on his plate... and a baby right now would be hard. One reason that as much as I'd love to be pg right now I'm not really wanting to either. And I know he didn't mean it the way I took it either... So yeah...

And then yesterday or the day before he comes up and says he wants another baby. And I know that was coming from being stressed out too, but good grief already! Don't tell me that when you know I want one!

Missing

I promise I'm not really missing... I've actually been too stressed to even vent about anything. It's crazy the amount of things that have happened in the past few weeks. Once I get settled a bit (which seems to be happening) I'll have plenty of fodder for this blog though! Not all is bad btw... just... yeah. I'm definately going to need to write. I prob need to now... but we'll see.