Yeah, No...

I won't say I'm 100% sure I'm not... but I'm spotting and cramping... so pretty safe assumption.

As bad as that is...e erything seems to be going wrong today too.

I had to finish cleaning up nuclear poo from last night (no I didn't lea e it... lol... but I left baking soda on the spot to soak up any effects from it). And I'm not exaggerating about the nuclear part... it was the colour of aged mustard (or beer mustard), one partially solid part and the rest pure goop that exploded from my naked daughter all o er the area hitting not just the carpet, but the cats scratching post and our front window.

My husband who has said he will take o er doing the dishes has not done so... but will get mad if I try to help with them. So you can imagine what my kitchen looks like...

Baby tried to help clean said kitchen.. dumped baking soda all o er the floor and then dumped the cats water dish out on top of it.

She also peed on the floor in her room... I should be used to that, but today it made me want to cry.

And the part that's getting me the worst... she broke part of the computer again earlier... as you can probably tell, I'm missing a letter. I'd tell you which one, but I can't! But if you're singing the alphabet song it comes between u and w.

As bad as that is on its own...

I did not handle it well. I yelled... put her in time out but by the time it was time to get her out I had completely lost my cool trying to fix the thing... She was screaming, I was just out of it... Not about to go get her like that. So she screams e en more... leading to me going and yelling at her again. Not cool... at all.

I finally calmed down, got her out... ga e her some milk and made dinner... and other than the peeing incident, she did really well after that. But I still feel awful about it. I know she didn't mean to break the comp... She's just a baby... and I feel like a horrible mother right now.

And of course in the middle of that is when the cramps really kicked in and I realized I was spotting..

Round 3

Good news and bad...

I got another neg... but my temp has still not gone down. There's no question that by now (day 15, the longest my luteal phase goes) it usually does. Does it mean anything? No... But still...

So now I wait and see if I start today...

Round 2

Sorry with everything else that's happened... I completely forgot to update.

I did give in and test again yesterday lol... once again it said no. A little more disappointed this time... but it was only day 12.

My temp hasn't gone down yet... not anywhere near the cover line anyway... Did go down to high 97 this morning (only a few points from 98) but its done that earlier too... and it was taken early at that. Kalila woke me up around 5 or so... Doesn't really mean anything though because in past cycles, sometimes it goes down the day or two before starting and sometimes not until I do. But at least there's still a chance.

We'll see...

Round One Down...

Day 10 dpo has come and of course impatience led to testing lol. It said no... And I'm doing a pretty good job not getting upset over it. I knew it was early, so I guess that helps... I'm not sure if I should do the recommended testing in 2 days and then again in 2 if neg still... or if I should just wait until day 14 or 15.

What's funny is that I found out a friend got a BFP yesterday! Am really happy for them... Now hopefully mine will come soon too lol.

Impatience...

Depending on how you read it, I'm either 8 or 9 dpo. I think 9, but the program is saying 8. I know why... but I don't agree. I'm going by it though because for testing purposes its best to err on the side of caution and their date is later than mine.

I wish the online version of the chart (which I have to do to save as a picture) showed the events instead of just that they exsist because cramping is a solid block from around ovulation to now. Literally every day.

I just realized that I need to put in I took my vitamins yesterday... oops!

Now reasons I'm posting are... well...

a) I'm very very impatient to test. We bought the nice online test strips that are really cheap and pick up hcg levels at 20... which means tech you can test 7 to 10 dpo. I wasn't about to at 7, but debating 10. There are downsides to that though... It could give out a false neg... so I may end up wasting several tests that way... at .85 a test, that's not too bad... but factor in the emotions with it.... and on top of that it also increases teh chance of finding out about an extremely early miscarriage. I'm not sure how I feel about knowing that for sure.

b) In putting in my old charts... I realized how erratic they are... Its to be expected while nursing... esp in the first few charts after starting up again. But I didn't realize how much so mine were until I put them in this program. Point given to ovusoft, because it wasn't so clear on HF. As you can see though.. .this chart is a little too. I'm hoping since there's a clear temp shift and all... but still. Has me a little worried.

Ok so there were only two reasons. Unless you count showing the few of you interested another view of how the program works lol. If you're wondering (and sorry tmi here) the reason I have the birthcontrol icon up is that we use it to mean there was an interuption lol. The way I figure it, may not be likely to get pg from that (esp in this cycle when its way into my infertile period) but I can just see it happening and us trying to figure out how on earth it did if we were, especially when we were TTA. Besides, the heart in a pocket just cracks me up!

Getting off of here though... gotta start dinner.

I Was Worse Than I Thought

LOL... Seriously all I can do is laugh at this.

Apparently I broke school rules many more times than I thought back in college.

Apparently... because of the no alcohol rule... I was not supposed to receive Communion! A friend was lectured (and threatened) about it after I left...

Is a good thing they didn't go after me, I would have lost it over that one!

Last on the Subject

Now that I've had time to sleep on it... and talked it over w/ a friend who knows... Well, I do feel a lot better lol. I'm still not certain how to handle it completely. But I have been given some things to think about (some I thought of on my own, and some brought to my attention).

1. It could be someone else by the same name. I'm hoping for this one. I'll know for sure soon as the picture of the message is going to be sent to me as soon as phone is charged lol... In that case it'd be a misunderstanding w/ the one friend thinking it was the other when it was not.

2. Someone could have hacked into the others account. Horrible and I don't know why someone would do that just to pull a stunt like this... but is possible.

3. Said friend did send the ugly message, but could have been referring to something other than their religion.. Some other issue said person has w/ them. I'm not sure what it would be... and since religious comments have been made to them, it'd be very easy to see why they (and I) jumped to the conclusion that the friend was meaning that even if they weren't. Still not right of course... but slightly better? Maybe? Not really... I'd still feel really badly for them and disappointed in the friend... only difference would be I wouldn't be second guessing what they think about me.

4. It was a joke. I just don't understand this one under the circumstances. But this friend has changed... so maybe so has their sense of humour. If so... not amused.

So there ya go... Maybe I'm over thinking things... I tend to do that. But as we've discussed before... I've lost (or am losing) so many friends lately for various reasons... Some I don't even understand. Seriously two friends have just dropped off the radar, won't answer phones, emails or anything. So yeah.. adding one more thing to that pile bothers me. I'm hoping we can get this sorted out... and like I said or hinted at, hoping that there's an explanation for all this. We'll see after I get that pic, have time to reflect and pray on it... and hopefully figure out how to approach it if I need to.

And as my title says, that's the last on this subject! I promise my next post will be a lot happier. Sorry about this...

Hurt & Disappointed

Disclaimer: The first part of this is not related to the title whatsoever.

I like discussing and debating things... especially certain topics. I don't have to agree w/ the person to do so (what fun would that be lol) and I don't expect them to change their view... Is nice if it happens, I won't lie abou that lol, but I don't expect it... and I never go into it with that intent or mindset. That's just me.

Something happened the other day that I thought was amusing (although if you think about it too much or examine it closely, it really isn't) and I mentioned it in passing to a friend.

Disclaimer #2: If said friend is reading this... I mean no disrespect here.. You know I love ya. And I know you were probably just as frusterated on the other end of this.

Anyways. Friend (not fried, apparently I can't type tonight) started asking questions about it... which brought up one of my favourite things to discuss... if not my absolute favourite (safe to say it is). Like I said before, I'm used to discussing this.. Having real conversations about it where we both learn something, grow from the experience and stuff... Not with this friend. So and so told friend this and that is true... so it must be... and any other view is finding loopholes. No research into it... No why do you disagree... and when I tried to explain why we don't believe that way, I get cut off w/ the loophole comment.

I swear I love ya as a friend... but I am reminded why we don't discuss things.

So I'm coming off of that... and am told to contact another friend about some fears that they'll overheat (lol). So we get to talking... I vent a little bit... knowing she'll understand. And then its her turn...

Friend #3 comes up... "friend" of mine, not hers. I use quotes for a reason... because for various reasons I don't know if the word fits anymore (unfortunately that's true for several friends lately... I hate losing friends too... so it really hurts, but that's a post... that's already been written lol). Well, let me add that the other day this friend had come up in discussion when we had a couples night. Was very random, but we were discussing how friendships had changed and whatnot, and this one was true for both me and her husband. At one point, she said she wasn't getting into her issues w/ this "friend", but that she had a real problem with her. I probably would not have heard what it was, but for her vent tonight...

Disclaimer #3: I mention it because, while its not about me... It seriously hurts me and makes me question this friendship even more.

This "friend" has been making ugly comments to her... first not wanting the couple to date, freaking out when they did... and then making a rude remark about "two people like them" marrying (insert two Catholics... his recent conversion before this was an issue w/ her). Tonight... she sends a message saying "I feel sorry for your kids" while inviting her to be her friend on a social network.

???

Igoring the fact that asking to be someone's friend and making such a snide remark... just doesn't make a lick of sense...

You just don't treat people like that! I know the Catholic thing is an issue between us... it has been for years. An ever growing one... Thankfully nothing has been said to my face, at least I think I am thankful for that... (note: I have heard comments passed along, as well as seen her responces when anything vaguely touches the sub comes up) but still... Just awful. And as bad as I know that was for my friend that got the message... because that just sucks... Its one more brick on the wall that shows how she really feels about us.

I'm sorry, but as much as I may disagree w/ someones religion... I would never treat them like that, or feel sorry for their kids, or hope they'd marry out, or rub it in their face when someone leaves their religion or... I could go on, but I'll be nice.

Point being, I give you a level of respect, I expect it back... whether I deserve it or not.

Beyond all that.. I have no idea what to say or if I should. Because I am very disappointed in this person...

Once Again

I know this is a few days past, but I hadn't really had a chance to write. Anyways, we decided that on Sunday's that my husband is directing (and not sitting w/ us) the baby and I will be in the cry room. Problem being I need more help in there than out, but still.

So Sunday he had to direct. Before Mass while they were practicing we sat out w/ the choir... and almost stayed. She was being really cute... singing along and pretending to direct. But then she took off and ran up to the alter. Threw a fit when I got her, so we went straight to the cry room.

Screaming. Crying. Fit throwing. All happened until the first group of kids (all too old to be in there, but moot point here) came in. She started playing w/ them and at that point (Mass still hadn't started mind you) I was grateful.

Then Mass started... and three more families w/ kids around her age arrived. And things went fine at first... until the food started coming out.

I'm not going to get into that whole thing again... I still think its disrespectful to do at Mass, but their kids their decision... But... Where I will comment...

1. Give your kids food at Church, fine... But do not give it to my kid seconds after you've heard me tell her she can't have any!

2. Don't argue w/ me when I tell my daughter she can't have any when she tries to steal it!

Yes, both happened with 2 of the 3 familes.

The third family knows better... They asked the first time it came up, and took my no thank you well. They haven't offered her food again (during Mass anyway) and usually try to hide it when she runs at their son. I appreciate that...

But she tried to steal kix from one kid, her mom was right there when I told her she couldn't have anything until after Mass... So she pulled out crackers, gave one to her daughter and then another to mine. I stopped her before she got it... but ends w/ cranky baby and very unhappy mommy because I shouldn't have had to do that. I know she heard me the first time.

Then the baby runs up to the front towards the other family and tries to steal cheerios... and when I say no, the grandmother starts arguing w/ me that its ok because they aren't sugary. She gets mad at me...

And THEN... her girls start playing w/ pens and paper... and of course mine wants to too... I was hoping to avoid it since she'd drawn on her face earlier, but I'm fine w/ her handing the stuff to the baby... Until she hands her a permanent marker!!!!! Who gives a 19 month old a permanant marker... at Church no less. Its not even like its at home where she could only destroy my stuff and have on play clothes. In seconds she marked up her hand and ruined her dress that she wore for the first time that day. I take the thing away from her, hand it back to the lady, and hand the baby a regular pen... to avoid a meltdown... because at this point I'm livid and don't think she should be drawing but stopping her would cause said meltdown and I knew I couldn't handle it. Pisses the lady off even more... but obviously I don't care at this point. Then after drawing a couple more minutes the baby turns and tries to draw on the wall! Not something she's done before and of course I'm not putting up w/ that... So I take the pen... Now picture that high pitched scream that only a toddler can let out.

At that point I take her outside and we have a little talk. By the time we went back in she was calmed down... pouty but calm. She sat in my lap w/ her head on my shoulder the rest of Mass. I kinda felt bad for her, but she was being overly dramatic too lol.

Cute story I skipped though... They had the FC kids process for the crowining at the beginning... and as they walked by the baby waved at each one and said "hi! hi!" - It was adorable!

One of THOSE Days

Sorry, but I need to take a few minutes and seriously vent here! It's been one of those days that I just want to pull my hair out...

First off we hardly got any sleep last night. Combination of things. The night before I went to bed around 4:30. Not something I need to be doing anymore lol. On top of that... the baby woke up twice that night and the first time was about the time my husband was supposed to get home, and I didn't have the heart to put her to bed minutes before he got here... So she ran around for about 30 minutes or so. Finally I got the message he was gonna be very late and noticed that she was rubbing her eyes... So off to bed. Then I started making bread... he came home, movie goes on... She wakes back up and he let her run around a bit. So her schedule is all off. Last night she woke up like 3 or 4 times. I got to bed way too late again... and she woke up around 7 or 7:30. Go figure.

To make that worse, she started crying... woke me up. I needed to temp before getting up so I figured less than a minute crying isn't going to hurt her. Husband pissily gets up to get her despite my muted attempts to tell him I was gonna do it.

So at this point I'm exhausted... and have a very naked baby running around. I look up and there is shit all down her leg. Runny shit. I catch her just as she sits down on the carpet. I run her into the bath... Looking frantically for where she went. Didn't see any...

Then she wants out of the bath. Then back in. Then out. Then in. At this point I tell her if she gets out, she's staying out. All hell brakes loose.

As she's throwing a huge temper tantrum I see the cat on her carseat scratching wildly. I start to shoo her off, but baby screaming distracted me.

Then I see said baby go for the now empty carseat (backing up it was in here because MIL took her the other day) and start to grab a piece of shit. Assuming it was cat's I scream "Noooooooooooooooooo!" Quickly followed by "Damnit!"

Husband flies out of the bedroom... where he'd been asleep through all this. I was expecting him to be royally pissed off... Thankfully he wasn't. He took the carseat apart and got the cover off so I could wash it.

Later he starts making fun of me for this. Good thing I love him.
After flushing the carseat contents... I'm not sure if it was cat or baby. It looked more like baby.. but I'm sure you really wanted to know that! LOL

I'll admit... at this point the diaper went back on. I'm bad I know, but I couldn't handle much more today lol. She didn't wear one all day though... and the time she wasn't wearing one... She peed. All over the floor. At least 4 different spots have needed to be cleaned today, when she hasn't been naked anywhere close to as much as normal.

I'm not really upset about that... I know logically that potty training is one step forward two back... and the fact that she's been pooing in her potty the past few days has been... well really good for how recently we've started and how young she is. And the peeing on the floor happens every day. Yesterday she got closest to the potty yet... Just beside it while telling me! But yeah, exhausted and after the mess this morning it seems much worse than it really is.

One night terror later now... of course that had to happen too... along w/ a neighbor flipping out.

Makes me wonder if I'm crazy for wanting another one right now lol. Doesn't change anything.. but still LOL