This post has been floating around in my head for so long that I hope I do it justice here.
I don't know that I'm really surprised that it happened... but I really started thinking on our trip. It might have been because I hit a particularly low point on the subject or just the setting, I don't know... but Saturday morning as I was walking on the beach picking up shells (and burning to a crisp) I went from thinking about said shells to trusting in God.
At the beginning of the day I was only getting the "perfect" shells. Not long into it, it hit me that like us none are... and I went ahead and picked up a few broken shells as well because it just seemed fitting. Of course when the baby started joining in we ended up w/ a lot of those because we kept any she gave us.
I'm not sure, at all, how it linked to the trust issue... but I started thinking about how little I've been trusting Him lately. I've recently learned that I'm not as much as a paranoid mommy as I thought I was lol... We are even lax in some areas. For instance, we never shut her away as a newborn and even took her out and let people hold her just about from the beginning (if not from the beginning). I have no probs w/ people holding/touching/kissing her... She plays w/ the cats, even kisses them and if something falls on the floor... eh. Obviously it gets washed... but I don't freak out and sanitize everything. No offense to anyone who does... That's just not us.
But when I have my moments.... I really have my moments. Scared to death of SIDS. I checked on her at night constantly. I still check on her... not as often, but at least once a night. Going on car trips w/out me I worry, sometimes more than others - I'm ok right now... but a few weeks ago I was convinced my MIL would put her FF and they'd get in an accident. A. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't and B. Even if they did, I'd be upset but I'm pretty sure nothing would happen. Extreme case there, but something set me off that day... I can't remember if it was news about a baby that died or a car accident or what... No, it was Days (yes I'll admit, I have a horrid adiction to the soap... I'm bad I know), it was the day they killed off baby Grace. Put me in a mood, I went from bawling over a stupid show to worry about mine. Combine that story line continueing with a toddler drowing at the beach in a book I was reading and my fear of water taller than me... and you can imagine this trip had me a little freaked too. I actually kept myself pretty calm. You couldn't see it... Well, my husband did while we were in the water (the water was rough, I think I was partly justified here) and again at the reception when I wouldn't let her near the fence. He got mad over that, but I kept picturing her falling through the slats. I'll be honest, none of those things could have happened before the trip and I still would have reacted to that one. And in my mind, I still don't think it was safe... But he was pretty mad at me.
Anyways, you get the point... All of that was rolling in my head as I walked on the beach. I also thought about something a friend said on the subject awhile back.. and it hit me that it comes down to she trusts God w/ her kids... and I really haven't been. Even in the beginning, I was absolutely convinced we were going to miscarry... and then convinced that we did... and then convinced that we were going to... I worried the whole pg, and it just continued (and spiraled) from there.
So I decided that I need to... and that I need to really work on that. I can't say I'm not going to check on her at night, esp if I have the feeling I need to (because all mommies know sometimes you just know when somethings wrong) but still... And fortunately fixing some other things that are helping with that but that's for another post...
CAMP
6 years ago
(((hugs))) Trusting God with our kids is probably the hardest thing a mommy ever has to do. Something I certainly don't get right. But once we let go and stop worrying, it's a great feeling, a great relief. It's not easy to do, but I hope that as you work on it that it comes to be easier and easier for you. It has seemed to for me ... and I really do have to work on letting them go into His hands.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know, after last Saturday's incident, that's something I'm really struggling to do right now too. Oh yeah, I never blogged about last Saturday ... doing that now.
Its hard to put your trust in Him. Things always come up that make it hard. A constant struggle. :-) LOVE YOU!
ReplyDeleteThanks to both of you...
ReplyDeleteSteph - In an odd way its comforting to know I'm not the only one struggeling w/ this. I don't remember exactly when, but you posted something awhile back that came to mind while all this was going on, was what I referenced (at least I meant too). At the time I realized I wanted to more, but I guess I wasn't in the right place to really think about/examine it all. Anyways, I'll be over to your blog in just a minute to read about Saturday...
Abby - :-)
I think we all go through points where it's really hard. For me, usually I'm ok with my kids and don't worry about them too much ... I have my theories on why that is, though. If I haven't told you, remind me to sometime. But after Saturday, I definitely found myself walking on eggshells. And I'm getting better about it ... but it's hard. So very very hard at times.
ReplyDeleteNo you haven't, and I'd like to hear it sometime...
ReplyDeleteBut yeah... I am really sorry about Sat. That would have scared me too...
Ok, here's the theory really fast. Well, as fast as I can.
ReplyDeleteWhen Kairi was first born, and for the next 2 weeks we fought for her life. She could have easily have starved to death. I felt like a failure as a mother. After we finally had her healthy and thriving, a wave of complete relief hit me. I stopped worrying quite as much, but I have to admit that I was still obsessed. Then, as we were traveling to Midland from Marshall, TX and Kairi was barely 6 wks old, the car broke down on the side of the road. It was over 100 degrees outside, and we were in downtown Dallas. Anything could have happened to us. Kairi could have ended up really sick from the heat. A car could have hit us (we were on a tiny shoulder and partially in the lane) and since she was barely 5 lbs, I'm not 100% certain she could have survived an impact. And all these scenarios went through my head. It was really scary. Of course, as you know we survived that too.
So first of all, in comparison, bumps on the head, eating something every now and then that's not on the appropriate list, switching to FF sooner than I originally intended, etc., seems really small. She seriously could have died a number of times, so unless it's truly immediately life threatening, it doesn't seem so important. And I don't want her to overreact to the little stuff, b/c she has already survived the big stuff. Does that make any sense?
Also, when I finally got home, I had to sit down and really think about all we had gone through. There was no way that we would made it through all of that unless God was taking care of us, and protecting my daughter. It hit me then that He had a plan for her life. He gave her to me for a purpose and that it was my job to raise her to be a woman of God that was willing to let Him use her. So if He was taking care of her then, He'll take care of her now. I do my best to protect her and keep her safe, but I'm not going to obsess over it, b/c that's God's job.
I hope that that all made sense. I certainly still worry and I still find myself getting really anxious about some things, but for the most part I'm able to remind myself of the things I just listed, and then I force myself to just let it go. Not easy, but necessary for my peace of mind.
I can't even imagine how hard that was for yall... Other than the infamous lead incident, the worst we've been through was the pg incident. We've been very lucky...
ReplyDeleteAnd.. That makes a lot of sense... (Obviously) I hadn't thought of it like that. My problem is with those big things. I write a lot about my beliefs on diff subjects (a few that you mentioned lol) that I feel rather strongly about, but none of them are what I freak out about either... Its the thought of losing her. Example - Husband giving her an apple full of pesticides may make me angry (not really but I was aggrivated lol) but I can put that aside and know that she's gonna be ok. The thought of her falling off that pier into the ocean at night just about gave me a full blown panic attack. But I guess that goes back to your point about not obsessing & trusting God to watch over her. Which the former I am doing and the latter I'm having trouble with...
Btw, I tried to comment on your latest post & its not letting me. Odd.
I don't know why it wouldn't let you. I just tried and it worked fine for me.
ReplyDeleteBbl to comment more....