Wow

I thought I was going to post about my husband being a jerk... but apparently that's not happening today (although he did piss me off this morning).

I guess I'm in shock really.

A friend picked me up, as planned, to go shopping this afternoon. I told her about the pg test and everything and was explaining that I should know that it's not a good time, but am upset anyway... to which she said, something about it being in Gods time (very true) and then went back and said, "You've already had one" - and pointed to the baby - "on your time, the next will be in God's time"

What?

I told her that the baby really wasn't in our time lol... We hadn't planned it, we weren't wanting to be pg... In fact we were pretty upset about it at first... as much as I hate to remember that.. it's true. I wouldn't change a thing now of course... but still.

So I explained that and went on... and reiterated the whole it was in God's time thing (or I think she did, something)... I don't remember exactly what context I said it but I said something about there's nothing we can do anyway lol, you know if it happens it happens, and she got this quiet look as if she disagrees.

What did she think killing the baby was really an option? Because it seriously sounded as if she was saying (and I guess you had to be there because I know I'm not wording this right) that we chose to have her even though we shouldn't have (note: she loves the baby, don't get me wrong here). Or at least that it was our choice and not God's... which makes absolutely no sense...

Like I said it kinda shocked me... more than kind of shocked me. I know she loves the baby... and she never commented to me about anything like that when we found out we were pg and I'm assuming she didn't to my husband either because he would have flipped and I'd have heard about it.

Anyways, the night was great other than that lol. Well I was tired, am tired... and still have a lot to do... which is why I should get off of here.

Nope

I shouldn't be upset... I know that. Logically now is not a good time. We want my husband to be, at least, closer to being done w/ school (he grads in Dec)... Right now would be very awkward timing w/ the whole breastfeeding situation... Either the baby would wean earlier than we'd like (can happen in pg) or we'd be working on weaning just about the time the new baby came. I can just imagine how hard that would be, and it runs the risk of her becoming jealous. We could tandom for a couple months or so to help... but I don't see my husband being ok w/ that. 2 years is the absolute limit in his mind lol (a few months doesn't bother me, but I agree with him that I don't want to go on longer than that). Plus, the big one, our insurance should be kicking in soon... in a few months if all goes well (praying it does here). And we really need that before we start TTC. We could manage before... but definately not the best situation.

So why am I upset???

Oh well... My chart still doesn't make sense btw... As of today it changed again. Its a good thing I'm confident in myself w/ the CM (cervical mucus) and CP (cervical position) stuff, because otherwise I'd be pulling my hair out when I saw this:

Note: this is not normal for me... Last month it worked out perfectly... and I still like the website I use a ton better than the other I tried... and even better than using a paper chart. I was talking to another friend who uses it, and she's having similar temp issues and we're thinking it might be the weather. If we did partner temps (where my husband took his too) then we might be able to verify that... but isn't really an option lol. Part of me is just ready for this cycle to end (uggh) so I can start over lol. (Obviously if it hasn't in a couple weeks I'll retest, but my guess is that it will tomorrow lol)

Anyways, gotta go.. Lots to do... and besides, I should be back later to vent on a whole different subject lol

So Confused

Grrr... I hate my chart this cycle!!! Sorry, may be TMI

For awhile it was going along great other than the fact that we had a couple of oops moments when we knew we shouldn't. CM showing fertile and cervix being open, I really think I ovulated then.. It makes sense... (which brings up a whole different subject of me on pins and needles until I can test) and the chart agreed.

But then a few days ago the stupid Ovulite showed ferns and complely screwed things up. Becuase my "ferning date" was on the 18th, it put my overall date on the 10th. This makes no sense, because I know the CM method should trump all. On top of the last two cycles ferning has not lined up w/ my ovulation at all... So I figured this is just from wacky nursing hormones and manually changed the ovulation date on my chart. I saved it at that point, so here you can see my ovulation date outlined in blue to show that I set it myself. Because temps were so wacky and not set there's all that purple all over the place and looks as if I still hadn't yet though...

Well today... My temp shot up... it has to stay up there 3 days to set a BBT date, so that's not on there yet... but it's changed my shading and making me question myself... esp since last month I ovulated only a few days (almost a week though I think) before this. But... my cervix is closed... My CM is showing infertile... If it wasn't so obvious I'd say maybe I just thought I was earlier, but no.

I'm still gonna test as planned on Sat.. and we'll see what my chart does in the meantime. Frusterated though because normally it's not this stupid. Sorry just needed to get that out...

Random Nonsense

Keep your fingers crossed... It looks like I'm back on board for watching the baby starting in a couple weeks or so!

It looks like today the baby will be staying w/ a sitter (non family although she practically is anyway) for the first time. One of my in-laws passed away this week and the Rosary is tonight... There's no way the little one could sit through that so we don't really have a choice. I trust the friend we're leaving her with... but still... nervous about the whole thing lol.

I keep having really random and not so great dreams. One is a recurring one... I've had different versions of it for years. Basically, it's back to friend a... I keep dreaming that she's being really mean and well... bitchy.. about something or another. It's completely not like her. And it really bothers me when I have them. On top of that I dreamed that my husband and I were fighting a couple nights ago and last night I dreamed that he was trying to kill me w/ a bread knife! Of course that was just before we were in a boat in Africa w/ poachers... so I guess I forgave him despite the fact that I'd just kicked him out and told him I hated him :-(

Aww.. The baby is looking at a book about body parts (upside down of course)... and pointing out hers and then to the book!

Last night I got so frusterated w/ my husband (reason why I had the dream?). I was watching a show on TLC and he kept making really mean/aggrivating comments... It's not like he was really even watching it either (I didn't force him too, he was in the other room playing WOW). I know he likes to make stupid comments about shows he doesn't like... I usually just ignore him, but I snapped this time. I was trying to listen and he completely drowned out part of it... and it was talking about water birth info! Granted it's history isn't anything I need to know, but still. You know if it's just some stupid show like Strong Medicine (I'll admit it.. I like the show even though some of the stuff in it aggrivates me as much as it does him lol) or the show about the Duggars... but it wasn't. Worse, he was picking apart one comment made taken completely out of context because he wasn't listening to the whole thing. One of those moments where I just want to smack him upside the head..

Sorry vent over.

Hmmm... Can I stretch nap time another half hour? We used to do it at 11 and lately it's been 10:30 because she's waking up earlier. I'd really like to get it back to 11.

I've got stuff to do so I should get off of here...

WTF

Good grief!!!!!!

Ok so after the baby was born I hoped to get down to 135 and stay there.... or at least around there. I didn't worry too much when I hit 130 (although I did a bit)... or even when I slipped another couple of pounds from there. As I got closer (and closer) to 120 I did though... I need to be at least that and once again saw that slipping by. I knew I was going to once again have a hard time staying in a healthy weight range (for my height and build I should be between 120 and 130 I believe... 2o is the lowest though for sure).

So yesterday, after months of bouncing around that number, I was talking on the phone about healthy weight and decided that I should weigh myself and did... with my phone mind you (so sub a bit from this...) and it said 115!!!! Noooooooooooooo....

And yet... my pre-pregnancy jeans still don't fit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How is that even right? I'm a pound more (with the phone lol) than I was when I went to my first prenatal visit, but I can't wear the jeans that fit me for at least a month after that. WTH?

I wouldn't care so much but grabbed one pair this morning (accidentally) thinking they were the similar ones I bought after giving birth (I really liked them lol) and got stuck. Then a few min ago I started to get dressed to go out (MIL's bday) and wanted to wear my boots so decided to attempt my Wranglers... I got in but button won't go anywhere near the other... it's like there's the magnates on each end that repell each other. Stupid jeans.

I've got to get ready now though... grrrrr

About to Pull My Hair Out

You know my husband does something really sweet like letting me have some time alone to go get my mom a low cholesterol cookbook that she needs...and then he turns around and aggrivates me in the same day!

I asked him to wash one little casserole dish so I can start dinner tonight... just one. But no he plays on the comp until it's time to head to a friends house and as he's leaving... he starts going on about how he gets to have their cooking and how good it is and how it's always special occasion food. To make it worse we picked tonights meal because we haven't had it in a long time & it's a favourite of his!!!!

No Doctors????

Exactly what I was afraid of happened... My FIL has decided that he's not comfortable w/ the birthing center... because there will be no "doctors" there!

Now... my husband had said that we would still do it if he didn't "approve" but when we talked after that came out he was acting like he's having second thoughts as well... I managed to answer a couple of his questions, but I know I've still got my work cut out for me and honestly I'm a bit aggrivated. It's bad enough, hard enough, knowing I've got to deal w/ the family... but when they cause my husband to doubt... grrrrrrr!!!!

I've already emailed the midwife, asked advice from some cafemom mommies and talked to my cousin... but still....

More of Lifes Ups and Downs

I've mentioned lately that I was supposed to start babysitting on Monday... I don't remember if it was on here or the other blog, but still I'm pretty sure I mentioned it lol. I've really been looking forward to it. Partly because we really need the money right now, but also because I'z looking forward to having a baby around.

Well, I got a call from his mama today... Her mom is going to watch him for free until she goes back to work... She said maybe around March... I'm not mad or upset at all of course, I completely understand. I'd do the same thing if I was in her place. But I am a little disapointed.... We went out and bought a cartridge for the diaper genie yesterday (it's ok.. it'll still be good in March lol), I've been cleaning like crazy to be ready for him (granted I needed to do that anyway), and had plans for the money...

On that note... When I first talked to her about watching him (early Nov) I couldn't wait to tell my husband... We were making it but the extra money was going to be good right? And then he called and told me that he'd lost his job... So I was on pins and needles about when I was going to start even though I understood why she was waiting as long as possible before going back to work. Then he got this job at McDonalds right about the time we were starting to narrow down my start date. It's a job and doesn't pay badly but we still really need the extra money. He applied a week or two ago for another job that's much better, passed the test and had a great interview... but we won't find out for sure if he's got it until Monday. I really hope he does... we need it now.

Thankfully he was really good about it when she called earlier... Got this really positive attitude about seeing if we can advertize at the birthing center since we're willing to work w/ cloth diapers and all that.

Of course after being so sweet he just about ruined it by making a comment about me not playing on here too long when he left... after he's spent all morning playing WOW.

And on a completely different note... For some reason google and blogger are acting up on firefox. I have this account up on explorer and it's fine, but my other one keeps scrambling my words!

If I didn't know better...

I'd think I was pregnant...

The past couple of weeks or so I've been craving cranberry limeades and taco bell, two of the very few things I craved w/ my daughter... it's noticable enough that my husband started teasing me about it. Then the past couple of mornings I've been feeling sick at my stomach... not nearly as badly as when I was pg, but still. Plus I'm exhausted (which I know the exact reasons for that lol)... put it all together and I really would think that if I didn't know for sure that I'm not.

On a similar note... I really want to be lol. Which may be why I'm noticing those things. I'm not the only one, my husband wants me to be too... We actually talked about how much we wanted it last night. It's still best for us to wait a little if possible... So we're not going to start trying. (Don't worry lol) But... arrrghh! I want a baby lol.

Raining & Pouring

Why is it when there are 5 million other things going on and I'm already drained that something like this has to happen?

I'm not going into the whole thng because I already did on my family blog... but the cat was bit by a brown recluse. So we're worried about us... Worried about her. They think she'll only have scarring, but there's still a small chance she will lose toes or foot/leg. I know she'll be ok even if that happens, but... it still has me pretty upset.

On top of that we really can't afford this. Thankfully the vet is awesome and working with us like crazy to keep costs down. But still... Last night my husband was telling one of his friends about it and I heard the guy suggest that we may have to put her down instead if the bill gts to high. I ignored it... because I don't want to think about it... but I don't know what I'd do if we had to. She helped me get through the adjustment period after the wedding.. The baby is so attached to her. She goes around saying her name all the time...

Anyways, I'm worrying about nothing I know...

Clarification

I spent a good deal of time before writing that last entry and really worried over it before I did... There's several problems about venting when it's about a friend. One is that almost anyone you vent to is going to know them too... Another is it's easy to be overly harsh when you're venting. I hope I didn't cross that line. I love friend a like a sister... one of the reasons I don't want to lose her friendship. Also why, or one reason why, all of this has really bothered me.

So obviously I don't think she's a bad person. I don't think that spreading hate intentionally (looking back at the post I'm afraid I may have come across that way and I really didn't mean too). If you read the email in question you'd know that (or do know that). What I do think is that she's somehow let herself become influenced by propaganda. I think it's sad... esp since she does send out those emails to everyone. I just pray that she gets past this and that they don't take what she said at face value... and of course for the situation in general.

Agreeing to Disagree

It's a subject I usually am very good at. I'll admit that I'm stubborn and opinionated, but I can agree to disagree lol. I could put lots of examples up, but it's all besides the point.. and I don't have much time (am taking a soda break).

Anyways, I have this one friend that we used to be able to do this (I'm going to call her friend a for clarification)... but somewhere along the line something happened (I'm not sure what honestly) and any time we disagreed it became a taboo subject. Not easy for me because I tend to be blunt about something if I feel strongly about it lol.

There's also a lot of back-history w/ this same friend... most of it I wonder if could have been solved if we'd talked about things, but part of me thinks any one of them would have ended the friendship. I'm not sure why... but it's just a feeling I have. It's something I'm still worried about, especially now.

I can't continue w/out switching gears at this point and telling you the story I mentioned yesterday about the other friend (friend b).

We met my first year of college. We weren't close but had a lot of the same friends. I didn't see him much for the next few years, but he became friends w/ my next group of friends (the first set left right away) and we ended up talking agian quite a bit. After I graduated we ended up talking even more and became pretty good friends.

Three summers ago things changed. Part of it was me dating my husband... I was preoccupied lol. The other part of it was the fact that Israel and Lebanon were at war. He's been going to Israel for years and has a blind spot towards them... and our family is Lebanese. I don't if that had any part in him not calling or talking much to me, but I was afraid if the subject came up one of us would piss the other off. I remember talking to friend a about this and I don't really remember her responce, only that it was kind of a vague agreement.

A few months later my husband proposed... So obviously I was busy w/ wedding plans. One of them was a website that I set up for family and friends to see what was going on w/ plans and everything. I gave everyone the address, including friend b. I got on one day to find a very sweet comment left from him. Only problem was that he wrote it in Hebrew. My husband and I sat down and discussed what to do about it. I know friend b meant well (although how he could have thought that was appropriate is beyond me) but neither of us were comfortable leaving it considering the circumstances. Especially when many of our friends and family members reading this were still worried about loved ones still over there.

Anyways, right or wrong, we decided to delete the comment and send him a nice email explaining why we needed to do it. I tried to be as polite as possible... Maybe we should have just deleted it and not said anything (although I think that would have been taking the cowards way out), maybe we should have left it (I still don't see how we could have), I don't know... Like I said, I tried to be as nice as possible. I thanked him for the blessing. I explained the circumstances. Apologized. Everything...

And in responce I got, "I'm sorry your family is Lebanese"

Before I go any farther let me say that he did apologize after I responded to that email. I don't remember my first responce, other than that I toned it down a lot from what I wanted to say at that point. I was so offended and hurt. Apparently he was hurt about me taking down the blessing (which I understand) and was lashing out about that when he said it... We ended the exchange on shaky terms, with emails few and far between since. I want to forgive him, and am working on that... but it's something I'm struggeling with. (note: we have recently been talking again to some extent) My husband on the other hand now hates the guy. Just flat out can't stand him...

When all this happened, of course I told friend a. Now I was expecting her to take sides or stop talking to him... That's rediculous. Not going to happen. But I also wasn't expecting some vague dismissal. She didn't come right out and say it, but came across as if she thought he was right in saying that. Like most everything we disagree on lately, we sidestepped it and went on.

Since then friend b moved to Israel and friend a moved overseas as well. She started making plans to go visit him over Christmas awhile back. During one of our phone conversations she mentioned it and I said something about while I'd like to go there someday (see where Jesus was born and all the Holy sights especially/mostly) that it won't ever happen. She made some kind of reply about never saying never (which tech is true... I pray circumstances change) which prompted me to explain exactly why we can't go over there, or don't want to risk it rather. Instead of trying to re-explain this I'm going to add a couple videos that explains much better than I ever could. I'm not saying this would necessarily happen... but we don't want to take the chance.




So obviously I'm not putting myself through that... or worse my children.

Once again I got a vague unbelieving response. I left it at that... its her choice. I pray she doesn't learn the hard way.

Then Christmas comes, she heads over there... and this whole Gaza thing happens. Obviously we avoid talking about it (although I did mass email out a blog post I read about Israel attacking a civilian mercy ship written by a journalist)... but she brought up again the subject of how I should go over there. I referenced again that I will not put us through that and won't go until/unless things change and she said she understood (this is on im so I have no idea what tone it was given in... I hope/hoped it was sincere. That conversation happened just before she left.

Not a day later I get a mass email she sent out... Without going into much detail, she made it clear that she believes that Israel is in the right w/ what is going on right now. Everyone that has seen this email (that I've talked to anyways) is flabbergasted by what she said. It was just awful. I don't want to go deeper into this because I'm going to get upset all over again... and I had enough of that yesterday. Lets just say that it left me very disappointed. She should know better. She has the potential, every opportunity to know better. And instead she's spreading hate and disguising it as truth. The only upside is that she did ask for everyone to pray.

Anyways, obviously I had a hard time with this. I asked for advice on how to handle it, because it was beyond me. It really left me shaken. One rational person said something about just responding with how we'll have to agree to disagree. I can't believe I didn't think of it myself (probably because I was so upset). I'll admit I did also add a bit to that, but just that I have the information if she is ever interested. I have no idea how she will take that, or how she did if she's already read it. Time will tell.

Edit to add... I did get a response that was very polite.

I'm Such a Bad Mom

Seriously - That's how I feel right now.

After everything today I was feeling really drained so I decided to enjoy a hot bath. I got out the bubble bath, had my husband make me some peppermint hot chocolate and everything.

It went well until the baby woke up crying. Of course he went and got her and changed her (we didn't hook the diaper correctly so she wet herself pretty good)...

But I'm laying there finishing my drink and I hear "mama... mama... mama..."

And of course it just breaks your heart to hear it... But I couldn't go to her until I showered off because you know she's gonna want to nurse and I had the stupid bubble bath on my skin. She cried the entire time too...

I finally got out and to her to find her little face covered in tears.

Tired of It

I am tired of losing friends. It seems like the last few years that has been happening right and left for one reason or another.

The worst - My best friend passed away 2 years ago now.

A big part of the rest was leaving college and moving. I'm still friends w/ quite a few people from there, but we only either talk online or on the phone. It's not really the same. On top of that... One of them insulted my family when I got engaged. We still keep in touch but I have a hard time respecting him now... It hurt pretty bad (I may post on that someday actually). Another seems to be slipping away for various reasons.

I guess it wouldn't be as bad if I had a close friend here... and don't get me wrong, I have some good friends here that I'm enjoying getting to know. But none are really all that close either.

So I'm sitting here worrying about losing another friend... and I'll get into that more a little later. I still need time to think before responding to that situation, even on here...

At It Again

Yup I have a new blog - a bit anonymous... I have my reasons and if you know me you probably know them lol.

I'll apologize ahead of time... this blog was made for me to vent a few things, at least for now. I'm not sure how often I'll post... hopefully not often (though at the moment I doubt that lol). I will probably have several new posts pretty soon though...