Books...

Ok my title is horrible, but it'll have to work lol.

I am officially not pregnant... and still w/out my charting program. So I'm very glad I found TCOYF awhile back for $3 because it has blank charts at the back. I don't have to make my own (I can't print any out either obviously) and they're almost exactly like the online ones. I did a refresher reading on making coverlines... because lets face it, I haven't been making them... and I didn't use BBT before so I never had to anyway. Its explained very simply though so I'm not worried about that and is prob good to know I can do it. And being at the back of a big book like that... hopefully it won't get lost too easily lol.

Beyond that.. I finally picked up the adult Bible tonight. Between being exhausted and slightly out of it and picking a random OT book because I don't think I've ever read through it (Nehimiah sp?) and wanted to read one I haven't... Because when I do read the Bible.... I tend to read the same ones over and over. (You wouldn't believe how tempted I was to open it up to Tobit lol...) And starting at the beginning is rough. I think its either Leviticus or Numbers that I get lost in that way... But yeah, this one isn't much easier. Still... I'm glad I did it. Its not too long either... I still need to find a better way to figure out what to read next. But for now... This works.

Not on books of any kind anymore...

But we ended up missing Mass on Sunday. Hanging head in shame... but no hubby working overtime that morning. He really wants to do as much as possible this week so he can get ot on top of holiday pay lol. We did manage to make it to the luncheon afterwards... which was nice. And we have to go this weekend because he's directing. So the baby and I will most likely be out in the fouyer (am I sp that right?). I think I can come to terms w/ that... or am coming to terms with that. Is a good middle ground...

I forgot that a friend of ours really disapproves of us ttc lol. I mentioned it in passing when they were here the other day & the look I got was... wow. Of course her hubby cracked me up at another point because we were talking about future dream homes and how we'd like to grow veggies and have goats & chickens... I explained that w/ 3 of us going through 7 eggs at a sitting easy... it just makes more sense for us to have said chickens (he was talking about the nastiness) because we're hoping to have 6 kids and I can't even imagine how many we'll go through then. But the look on his face about the 6 kids was priceless! In a way I'm used to it, but it still makes me laugh when I get that.

Anyways, its late & I'm off...

Bleh...

I hinted at this the other day so figured I'd fill yall in.

Fathers Day... started off great. Parts of it stayed that way. I can't say most of it was, because you've already heard about the Church incident lol. But we got past that and I thought it would continue to be good.

My husband wanted to go shopping... He had some gift money and he wanted to look for something. Nothing huge, just something small for himself. While we were out, he did want to go by Best Buy and look at laptops because he does need one and we don't know if fixing ours is an option (if it costs more than a new one...) so we stopped to do that. Well they had one that is very much what he needs in one. Good price. And if you get their credit card the payments are reasonable. We talked about it... and honestly its not doable right now. He knew that. But he wanted to talk to his dad about it... which I understood.

Now I don't know exactly what was said... but he got off the phone more depressed than I have ever seen him. Making comments about how he doesn't derserve for anything good to happen to him, etc. We went straight to the groc store and only got what we needed from there, no gift for him because all the sudden those need to be used on food. Now granted a big chunk of my mothers day gift went to that little bed in the other room so I understand feeling that way... but still.

Thankfully he has pulled out of it. Until today he was still frusterated and down a little bit. Not sure how to put it, but he wasn't as bad... just not feeling great either. Today... Well, after his days off, a good dinner last night and apparently a good nights sleep... He got up, did dishes (whoo hoo I thought I was gonna have to jump in. Am gonna help out, but not near as bad as I thought) and feels a ton better. He even looked it.

Not mad at my FIL btw. I'm sure whatever he said wasn't meant the way it was taken. I was frusterated about it at the time lol... but even then knew that. Now, I don't think he completely realizes the comp situation... because he's offered us his desktop... which we have (if not completely up and running). And as much as we want it up and running, the laptop is 100 % necessary for school. Thankfully he's not taking summer courses or we'd really be in trouble. But anyways, getting off that rant. The comp situation will work out, and I'm not worried about that. Just hope its sooner than later.

What do you say?

Seriously... What do you say when someone is being incredibally dense? Not to mention pushing things a little.

I got this phone call tonight... Completely out of the blue. Great right? Better yet friend is engaged! I'm happy for him... Thrilled even. And normally I would be thrilled to hear that he wants me and my family there at the wedding...

But the wedding is in Israel.

He was nice and did aknowledge that finances being what they are that I can't do it, but that he wants me to pray about it and see if God wants me there. I have no problem with praying about it... But seriously? No, I tried to explain that its more complicated than that, and not to be surprised if we can't make it. I didn't go into the obvious arguments of the legistics of my family going there and what that would mean for us (esp if we were stupid enough to go the easy route and fly in) or the fact that my husband has some real anger issues towards this friend after what he said to us when we got engaged (I'm trying to work through mine over it... because he's been a friend so long and I know we're supposed to forgive. But lets face it that hurt and is hard). What I did mention is the whole ttc thing. Unless we just aren't meant to have a kid anytime soon, we'll either be (hopefully this one) w/ a tiny newborn at that point or pregnant and unable to make that type of travel arrangements. I didn't spell it out that specifically, but did say we're trying and that it may come in the way of our going. To which he replies something about how do I think I know better than God and how I need to just pray about the trip w/ an open mind and listen to Gods plans for me (to go to Israel apparently) instead of fleshly desires. ???

How does he know that God wants me to go there and not have another child? Granted I don't know that He does want us to have one right now... We'll know that when it happens lol. But I'm not going to close myself off to that (esp when we're ready and waiting) to go on a trip that will put us in danger. Part of me wonders what he's thinking...

And of course I would love to go to a friends wedding. I've missed so many. And I would love to see the land where Jesus was born and lived... and hopefully someday that will be possible. I doubt that will be anytime soon though...

But if it is, or if He really wants us there now... that's great. But for a wedding?

Off Kilter

I probably could have added this to the last post... but I didn't want to throw everything at you at once lol... Or write yet another huge post.

No, obviously for awhile things have been off. I've written about it before, or at least alluded to it. I haven't been interested in going to Church, which I normally love and look forward to. I haven't felt like praying. I've just been very disconnected. I'm not going to say its because of the subject of yesterday's post... but I bet it has something to do w/ it? Or (and) it could just be everything we've been hit with over the past few years. Some of it our fault (hello we knew we weren't married) and some of it not. My husband getting burned out from Church obligations certainly didn't help... nor did my dread of the cry room. My guess its its a mix of all of that with other random things thrown in. It doesn't really matter why though. At least I don't think so... We just need to fix it.

Backing up... I always loved being Catholic, but most of my family isn't... So I didn't grow up w/ many of the traditions or anything. In collage I was pushed to learn more about what I believed and why and realized there is so much out there to foster that in a family. I loved it. I even got this book of Catholic customs and traditions. I couldn't wait to have a family of my own to incorporate some (or quite a few) of those with. Until then I started a few of my own...

Only one went back to my childhood. The Advent Wreath. We'd made small ones in class one year, and I'd made sure to pull it out every year after. In college I made another one year (that fell apart lol) and then bought a nice one the next year. I love that tradition... Still do. I also did a little alter in my dorm room where I could pray... Had my Bible, rosaries and a crucifix. Around All Saints & All Souls I'd decorate it w/ pics of family members and friends who'd passed on... One year I even made the bread for Day of the Dead. I don't really remember any others, but you get the drift here.

I moved here and became Maronite... which I love. No complaints. But it turned all that upside down. For instance, try keeping an Advent Wreath when Advent is suddenly six weeks instead of four. We have completely different calendars... but because the Maronite Church is very Latinized there's not as many separate customs or traditions (there's the capital T ones... but not what I'm talking about). I've found one distinctly Maronite one... the Cedar Meal? But noone here does it... Most of the ones in my book and I've found can be used still... but like I said, it all threw me for a loop. And my husband not really being raised w/ these things (note, not saying he wasn't raised Catholic or anything... it just that they kept everything private between each individual and God kind of) it wasn't a big priority for him, or even something he's thought of.

Beyond that, we don't even pray together... I know he does, he knows I do... but still. So tie that into the baby and at first I was doing good w/ praying "with" her before bed... but over time (as things got worse) I started forgetting to or being rushed or whatever and before long we weren't. I have fixed that obviously. She even gets excited about it now... I've also started reading her childrens Bible story book to her (unfortunately is a little above her age level lol) and stuff like that. Taking baby steps I guess.

And then the other day my husband and I were talking about another religions holidays (having quite a few) and I jokingly said that we could celebrate every day if we wanted (is true.. .gotta love it) and after a few minutes mentioned that I had always wanted to do a few of them at least and stuff... and he told me to start looking into that and some family traditions that we could get started. I was shocked... I have no idea why I hadn't brought it up before... but all the sudden I'm feeling a little better about things.

Not going to say that fixes it all. It doesn't... not by far. But I'm slowly getting excited again, so that's something right?

Our plan was to go to the early Mass yesterday, which is shorter, fewer people and easier to handle. It didn't happen... Early Mass is, well, early... and we overslept. New goal of doing that next week... I hope that helps. Because if not we'll be standing the entire time in the fouyer (what happened yesterday) because cry room is not an option and I really don't enjoy my daughter yelling out boob while pulling up my shirt in front of everyone. I was mortified. However, I should have known better than attempt sitting in there since she was in a mood all day yesterday. Now that I've added that little tidbit lol, I think I'll set this to publish a couple hours earlier than planned lol.

Thoughts and Fears

This post has been floating around in my head for so long that I hope I do it justice here.

I don't know that I'm really surprised that it happened... but I really started thinking on our trip. It might have been because I hit a particularly low point on the subject or just the setting, I don't know... but Saturday morning as I was walking on the beach picking up shells (and burning to a crisp) I went from thinking about said shells to trusting in God.

At the beginning of the day I was only getting the "perfect" shells. Not long into it, it hit me that like us none are... and I went ahead and picked up a few broken shells as well because it just seemed fitting. Of course when the baby started joining in we ended up w/ a lot of those because we kept any she gave us.

I'm not sure, at all, how it linked to the trust issue... but I started thinking about how little I've been trusting Him lately. I've recently learned that I'm not as much as a paranoid mommy as I thought I was lol... We are even lax in some areas. For instance, we never shut her away as a newborn and even took her out and let people hold her just about from the beginning (if not from the beginning). I have no probs w/ people holding/touching/kissing her... She plays w/ the cats, even kisses them and if something falls on the floor... eh. Obviously it gets washed... but I don't freak out and sanitize everything. No offense to anyone who does... That's just not us.

But when I have my moments.... I really have my moments. Scared to death of SIDS. I checked on her at night constantly. I still check on her... not as often, but at least once a night. Going on car trips w/out me I worry, sometimes more than others - I'm ok right now... but a few weeks ago I was convinced my MIL would put her FF and they'd get in an accident. A. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't and B. Even if they did, I'd be upset but I'm pretty sure nothing would happen. Extreme case there, but something set me off that day... I can't remember if it was news about a baby that died or a car accident or what... No, it was Days (yes I'll admit, I have a horrid adiction to the soap... I'm bad I know), it was the day they killed off baby Grace. Put me in a mood, I went from bawling over a stupid show to worry about mine. Combine that story line continueing with a toddler drowing at the beach in a book I was reading and my fear of water taller than me... and you can imagine this trip had me a little freaked too. I actually kept myself pretty calm. You couldn't see it... Well, my husband did while we were in the water (the water was rough, I think I was partly justified here) and again at the reception when I wouldn't let her near the fence. He got mad over that, but I kept picturing her falling through the slats. I'll be honest, none of those things could have happened before the trip and I still would have reacted to that one. And in my mind, I still don't think it was safe... But he was pretty mad at me.

Anyways, you get the point... All of that was rolling in my head as I walked on the beach. I also thought about something a friend said on the subject awhile back.. and it hit me that it comes down to she trusts God w/ her kids... and I really haven't been. Even in the beginning, I was absolutely convinced we were going to miscarry... and then convinced that we did... and then convinced that we were going to... I worried the whole pg, and it just continued (and spiraled) from there.

So I decided that I need to... and that I need to really work on that. I can't say I'm not going to check on her at night, esp if I have the feeling I need to (because all mommies know sometimes you just know when somethings wrong) but still... And fortunately fixing some other things that are helping with that but that's for another post...

Experaments...

Fathers Day is tomorrow... (so this gets to come first before the other posts lol) and I wanted to do something special for my husband. First I thought of making him a card and letting the baby help. Still planning on that... Then I decided on a cake. And dinner. He wants steak and salad... Thankfully we're still fully stocked w/ meat and it is possible. The cake... I have not told him about. I want it to be a surprise.

I'm not sure how good its gonna be though. I also wanted to try and make it from whole wheat... because I need to be switching over (and am slowly doing so... is just as hard as I thought) and he said he would with me. So found a recipe and I'm trying it. We'll see. It does sound similar to my grandmothers recipe (that we love) so I'm hoping it'll work! I'll let ya know when we find out...

Catching Up

Being without a computer stinks.
I have several post ideas that I need (and that is the correct word here) to write... but it means getting on here, the wii, to do it... and that's a huge task. I can't while the baby is up... I can sit down at a computer for a few seconds no problem, but the wii is a whole different story. My phone is great for checking email and facebook... (well I can't see half of what friends post, but if you tag me or comment on my stuff I'm good lol... So I see what's important) but blogging and it don't really get along. Besides, its connected to the other blog anyway.

Beyond that... losing the comp meant losing all of my charting stuff! So you can imagine how rough that's been lol. One of my cousins brought up a good point... in that maybe it'll help me not overthink all of that and just let it happen. Which I can see. Of course this all happened after I ovulated so moot point anyway. For now I am still temping (but that's all) and recording that into my phone calendar. So when the program is put into our desktop (which was going to happen anyway) I have some info to put in and keep it up to date. I don't know if its because of all this at all or our vacation or what... but I am more laid back about it this month. I will be testing of course lol... but I'm not getting my hopes up at all. I don't really think its likely (which may be the reason) anyway.

But yeah... Several posts in mind, so hopefully I'll get to them soon.

Life

I don't know if it's a good thing that I haven't felt the need to write on here lately or not... LOL It's not that things have been perfect or anything... obviously that's not possible (although at times it feels like things are pretty close to it).

Part of it, I know, is that most of what's going on is family blog appropriate... for example I was shocked to see a sec ago that I never wrote about the truck on here... On top of that, looking back the past few posts... I was focusing on the TTC subject pretty strongly.

Which leads to one reason I probably haven't gotten on... I was pretty upset (although I tried not to be) about not being pg. Logically I know its gonna take awhile... and its early yet. And (big one here) our insurance should be kicking in this month... It looks like it will (and while we can afford a baby without it.. it is a HUGE help). So even if it happens this month or next (which I know may not be the case) that little difference could mean a lot in the end... But knowing something and feeling it are two different things.

Plus so much is going on here...

My mom came down yesterday... which was great. We don't get to see her often enough, but thankfully we're working to fix that. I won't lie and say that things are perfect between us (lol) but our relationship improved a lot when I moved away and even more after getting married. I want my daughter to get to know her (albeit from a distance... I'm not sure I'd want her around every day). I want them to have time together, etc.

We have friends getting married next week. 2 sets actually, but one of the weddings we're in, or the baby and my husband are rather... So that made the decision of which to go to for us... I'm looking forward to it, but its out of town and thanks to the trip (and another for the family reunion next month) our budget is shrinking for the summer. We discussed it earlier and decided that we're down to beef once a week, more chicken, beans, lentils, and veggie meals. Part of me is excited about that because those are the type foods that I'd like to throw in from time to time but the carnivore that is my husband protests. Plus a few of them (like lentils lol... he hates them but I worked them in because of this) happen to be on the fertility diet list! Every little bit there helps right? Not to mention I need to be as healthy as possible when it does happen...

Thankfully he is able to get a lot of overtime and that definately helps things... but the down side is we see him less. I use present tense because he had a ton of it last week... The poor baby went around asking for him over and over... but.. .when she did see him the look on her face was just precious.

We've been sick too... First the baby had an ear infection that we didn't know about. Then when we got her on meds it moved down and she had this awful cough and runny nose. Then I got both too. My ears didn't hurt, but when I cleaned them that first day of symptoms (or second I don't remember which it happened) there was a little blood... and then my husband noticed the same w/ his. Thankfully he didn't progress any further and has been fine. The second day I took benadril before bed, knocked myself out and have been doing better ever since... The baby is on the mend too... but the past day or two its made for some interesting tempers. I feel horrible afterwards but we're both (me and her) doing it.

In the midst of all this I'm so behind on housework its not even funny. As I'm looking at the pack n play full of clean clothes that need to be hung up. Seriously... full... almost over-flowing. Every time I think about doing it I get overwhelmed and do something else, anything else, to avoid it. Thankfully its' better than being behind on dishes or dirty clothes lol (I say that only because it has happened)... but still. I feel bad about it...

I've got so much I want to do... need to do... And have no desire to do half of it... I hate that feeling.

We haven't been to Church in weeks. Which helps nothing. Multiple reasons... With the baby (and me) sick, there's no way we could go this week... Last week... I don't remember, or the week before honestly... But it comes down to me letting any excuse keep us from it because I get so stressed out in the cry room and he's getting burnt out w/ everything he has to do. Is aggrivating because I remember looking forward to Sundays. I love going to Mass... and I miss it. If I'm thinking right, we have to go this weekend (I think he directs). So hoping things are better. I don't know what I can do to fix this rut we're in though. He was talking about going alone to the 8 AM last weekend (but overslept lol) to talk to the priest... maybe it'll happen this weekend.

Anyways.. this is pretty long and I've got stuff to do of course... So I'll end this here.